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Tag Archive - life experiences

Our Story (Part Four)

October 16, 2009 in Adultery, Faith, Family, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Ministry, Personal Entries with 25 Comments

We shared our story with our church.

Our church wept with us. Our church celebrated our choice to fight the odds. We were prayed over, accepted, embraced and supported. We partially expected judgement, but instead, we received grace.

Brian and I were blown away by the amazing response.

We’ve experienced a death. A death in our old marriage. Our counselor wisely said, “I know you guys aren’t looking at divorce as an option, but a divorce MUST happen. You must divorce your old marriage and start new.” We still have bad days… this isn’t magic, but I can honestly say that we have WAY more good days than we ever had… even before the affair.

You may be wondering why I decided to “come out” with my secret. After all… no one would have ever known. You’re right. But God knew… and I knew. Not only was I NOT immune to an affair, but I was VERY capable of one. I really had to destroy any and ALL chances of this ever happening again. This was how. God’s desire for us is to live in truth… in the light. Nothing that lives in darkness can survive.

“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” ~Matthew 23:27

I was destroying myself with my secret. It was time to clean the tomb out. Besides, I didn’t need a tomb because Christ offers LIFE that’s eternal.

I’d like to say that this story has a fairy tale ending… a “Happily Ever After.” However, it’s more like a “Once upon a time…”

Even though there is still hurt and pain swirling around us, we knew it was time to break the lineage to generational sin. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me in revealing my ugly truth, but I knew I needed to FINALLY obey God, no matter the cost to me.

I can actually SEE God blessing our family because of our obedience. Brian and I are closer than we’ve ever been… EVER. We’ve been married since 2001. I’m not saying life is perfect or that we don’t fall into some of our old patterns, but OVERALL, I have never experienced life, love or joy like this.

It’s going to continually be up and down for us… but I KNOW I’m truly, honestly living an authentic life with no secrets holding me down.

God is healing Brian.
God is redeeming me.
God is restoring us to something greater than it ever was before.

Besides experiencing a REAL marriage and life with Brian, the best of all this is how deeply I’ve found myself falling for Jesus. I’ll be honest… I don’t always invite him into every part of my day. I sometimes feel like I need to protect JESUS from my dysfunction – as if Jesus needs to be protected from anything, but the good thing is I’m inviting him in more and more… and he is cleaning house!

In all of this, I no longer question if I married the “right” man. I now know, the “deep” feelings I had for that other man, though it felt VERY real at the time, was really just my projected need to be loved and desired. Brian has stepped up and become that. Or… maybe he’s been that the whole time, but I just didn’t let him in.

Brian KNOWS my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
Brian finishes my sentences.
Brian knows my thoughts just by looking at me.
Brian pursues me.
But GOD gives me confidence in all of this. Confidence in Brian.

We are very much still in the healing process and we have only made it to this point by the grace of God and the constant, unrelenting prayers of our friends and family.

“But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. “Go, stand in the temple courts,” he said, “and tell the people the full message of this new life.”

~ Acts 5:19-21

We’re hoping that by us sharing our story WHILE we’re in the midst of healing, that you can see the hope that is Christ Jesus. We hope you can see redemption is real and very possible for all of us no matter how ugly the sin looks. Our desire is you will stop hiding…

… it’s time to share YOUR STORY.

Believe it or not… you’re not alone.
You’re FAR from being alone.

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To read OUR STORY from beginning to end:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

Our Story (Part Two)

October 14, 2009 in Adultery, Family, Guest Bloggers, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 9 Comments

Brian, my better half, is going to “guest-blog” and write the next two parts of our story:

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When Jenni broke the news to me, I was devastated to say the least.

I went and stayed with my friend, Todd, who had recently been through some hard times of his own. For the next few days, Todd gave me a safe place to talk, pray and have a quiet place to rest.

He listened to my story.
He comforted me.
He gave me space to process.

In my own reflection, I felt like such a small man. I had been too weak to confront issues that had obviously been inappropriate. Why had I not set stronger boundaries… been more protective and jealous? How could I have not seen this happening with my wife? After all… this was MY WIFE.

The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster. There were days, I totally blamed Jenni and the other man (who was my friend). ”How could they have done this to me?” Those days, I just wanted a divorce because I thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore. However, there were also days where I just celebrated the fact that Jenni had finally been truthful with me. Though the news was devastating, she ultimately chose to honor me… risking everything by telling me about her affair.

I realized that I had come very close to losing the love of my life.

You see, Jenni grew up in an emotionally abusive home and had a lot of emotional scars that needed to heal. This didn’t stop at childhood. I have actually witnessed this during the time of our marriage. My wife had been walking on eggshells for 30 years. This caused her to build walls around herself for protection. She was ready for conflict at all times… even if she didn’t need to be. She NEVER felt safe, protected, or truly loved unconditionally. I didn’t know how to provide all she needed. Nor was I capable at that time.

Todd challenged me to stay by her and love her through the process. He reminded me that my boys needed a father AND mother working together to be Godly role models. That’s when I finally made the decision:

I wanted to make our marriage work.

The work of processing through where I had failed in our marriage looked me straight in the eyes. What I saw in myself was revealing and uncomfortable.

I rarely ever pursued Jenni.
I avoided anything that felt like conflict with her.
I never attempted heart felt communication with her.
I was not jealous enough as a husband and best friend to seek her full attention.

By not saying anything, I told Jenni she didn’t matter enough to me for me to fight for her. I didn’t protect her OR cherish her. Though she was the one who chose to splinter from our marriage vows, I knew I too was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage.

But the more I thought about this three year secret that had just surfaced, the more I realized I wasn’t the only person Jenni had hidden this part of her life from. For lack of better words, Jenni had lied to many of our close friends and family too. I asked her if she would go and tell them the truth.

She flipped out…

(… to be continued …)

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Our Story – Part One

Our Story (Part One)

October 13, 2009 in Adultery, Faith, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 26 Comments

In mid-2006, I stepped into an affair. This man… and his wife were couple friends of ours long before the affair began. However, the affair took flight after working deeply in ministry together. The affair lasted two years.

Even though Brian and I had become “glorified roommates”, I knew I still loved him. I obviously didn’t show it with my actions. I knew I never wanted to leave Brian… but I couldn’t believe how quickly and deeply I had fallen for this other man.

Could it be possible that I married the wrong man?

He knew my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
He could finish my sentences.
He knew my thoughts just by looking at me.
He pursued me.
He gave me confidence.

This man wasn’t an evil predator that seduced married women for his own gain. We were (inappropriately) BEST FRIENDS. Though he had made that first move, I was the one who hooked him and didn’t let go. Instead of seeking God or going to my husband, I used this other man to fill a very empty hole in my life. And because he was/is just another hurt human being in search for something, we fell deeper.

In the confusion of thinking I was in love with TWO men, the one person I really didn’t love…

… was myself.

As most do, my affair ended. I tried to LIVE with this deep, dark secret. I knew the other man would never say anything. No one would ever know. I thought I could live AND DIE with this secret. I thought I was protecting Brian and Chance by keeping this secret from them, when in reality, I was just trying to protect the very little of myself I had left. I was convinced that if I kept this to myself that I could MAKE this work. I knew if anyone ever found out, I would lose everything. Worst of all, I locked God out of my life.

I lived every day trying to make what I did wrong… right. It was all works based. I said to myself, “I CAN DO THIS!!!” And by some standards, I did. I was FINALLY being a good wife. I was dedicated to Brian… to Chance… to my church. But, I felt myself withdrawing from life.

Paxton was born November of 2008 and I fell into the deepest depression I had ever experienced. I blamed it on post-partum (partially true) but I knew where the root of my personal hell was coming from… and the worst part was, I didn’t allow anyone to come and help bear my burden. Not even Jesus. ESPECIALLY not Jesus.

Fast forward to April of 2009. A couple we now consider good friends, Justin & Trish Davis shared their story with us. Long story short, Justin had an affair with Trisha’s best friend. In the pain of it all, they chose to work through it and stay married. I had HEARD about things like this happening but had never PERSONALLY known real people who stayed together after a full-blown affair. The part that stuck with me the most was how much God had restored Justin and Trisha’s relationship with Himself.

This was my hearts biggest desire.

I needed to tell Brian. I knew I could possibly lose everything. Brian could leave me. He could take the kids. I would be left friendless… family-less. My reputation that I had worked so long and hard at would be ruined… and I would deserve every bit of it. This would be the end of me.

I told him anyway.

(… to be continued …)

My Empire (Part Three)

September 24, 2009 in Adultery, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 8 Comments

My empire came soon enough.

I moved to Portland, Oregon.
I met and married Brian.
I finished college at George Fox University with a 3.96 GPA (Social & Behavioral Sciences).
I was a full-time Worship Pastor for Students.
I oversaw a ministry leadership team of 50+.
I conquered a 3-year battle with “infertility” and had Chance.

I, I, I… me, me, me… I had more than I would ever need. But it wasn’t enough. I ALWAYS had to be better… I always wanted more.

To be honest, I never TRULY thought I was “all that”. In fact, I was certain I was nothing… but I gave everyone around me the appearance that I had “arrived”. If I wasn’t the best… you bet I worked day & night till I was. If I knew I couldn’t be “better” than you in “that”, I made sure I was better than you in something else. I thrived on hearing those words, “Jenni is SO good at ______.” I had EVERYTHING to prove.

… and everything to lose.

To the public, Brian and I were the couple that had it all. We had the big house, the thriving ministry, the coolest friends, the cutest, most well-behaved baby… blah blah blah. But what was REALLY happening behind the scenes? I was a ticking time-bomb.

My worship band was being asked to play extra gigs. We had two recording projects under our belt. I was stealing time away from my family to “DO MORE” for Ministry. This made me feel important… after all, I was doing all this for God, right? In “doing more”, all I was really doing was becoming less. I was burning out.

I left Student Ministries. I was aware enough to know I had lost myself in all of this… but I had NO idea where to start looking for me.

About this same time, we started losing all our “stuff“. I no longer working. Brian’s business was no longer flourishing. We couldn’t keep up with our house payments. We already lost one of our cars to the “repo-man”, and we were in the process of losing our house.

Brian barely had ANY of my time, and when we DID have a “date night”, I was distracted, to say the least. Brian and I rarely talked, but when we DID talk, it often ended in a disagreement. The disagreement would end with me EXPLODING on him. This made it impossible for Brian to EVER want to pursue or be open with me.

I didn’t see it then, but I had become my Mother. I made Brian walk on eggshells. If we’re gonna REALLY be honest, I was just WAITING to see how far I could push Brian till he left me.

He didn’t.

That’s when I did the unthinkable. I dove head-first into an affair. The seven-year-old side of me thought I had finally found someone who really loved me and would pursue me. Finally. But the 28-year old side of me was ready to demolish my beautiful life… every blessing God had ever given me to show His love for me. I was about to ruin everything I had ever worked and hoped for because deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved any of it.