ONE Thing with RefineUs.Org
Today, Brian and I got the privilege to guest post over at RefineUs.org. Justin and Trisha are GREAT friends of ours and have built an amazing ministry out of their story. Talk about beauty from ashes.
If you didn’t know, Justin and Trish were an instrumental part to the restoration of Brian and my marriage. They are good people… OUR people.
Here’s an excerpt from our post:
When we got married (Brian was 26 & Jenni was 22), our thoughts and concerns at the time were about one thing: Our STATUS.
We’re not saying we didn’t love each other or that we shouldn’t have gotten married… we’re simply stating that our new “status” was more attractive than thinking about the reality of what marriage meant.
It wasn’t till after we divorced our old marriage that we FINALLY began to talk about these things. We talked about our dreams, our desires, our goals… and soon realized we both wanted …
To read more… CLICK HERE!
Check in there all week. They have a great line-up of guest-bloggers who are worth reading.
We’re Getting Married!
As most of you know, Brian and I have divorced our old marriage and have started anew.
And as if him just giving me a second chance wasn’t good enough… he went ahead and did THIS last night:
(to watch in Vimeo, CLICK HERE!)
My man is the most amazing man IN THE WORLD.
CHEERS! … to second chances… to starting over…
… to making it better than it EVER was before!
She’s Dying…
Vicki… Allison’s mother, is dying.
Alli is one of my closest friends… and her mother has ALWAYS been HER best friend. And, quite literally, at any minute, Vicki will be with Jesus. My heart hurts for Alli.
In all this happening so close to me, I keep trying to understand how she’s feeling…
… but I can’t.
I wish I could… but I just can’t. It feels as if I almost have an emotional barrier up that I can’t tear down because I don’t have the right tools.
I mean, I cry for Alli because I SEE she’s hurting and I pray for their family because I know they are devastated. They want MANY more years with Vicki… but won’t have it. But hurting FOR her is very different than feeling and understanding it for MYSELF.
My mother and I have never been close. I’m quite certain my mother never really wanted children… but she got us, so she did the best she could, which unfortunately, wasn’t all that great. I can’t speak for my sisters… but there’s a piece of love that I don’t understand or FEEL. I know HOW to love (to the best of my ability). I mean… I LOVE my husband and I LOVE my sons… but I don’t know how to RECEIVE love.
Part of me believes if I allow myself to receive love, then I’ll owe that person something I don’t want to give up later. Another part believes I’m not worthy of said love. And finally… the majority of me just doesn’t know how to accept it. Quite literally… I don’t know what to do with it once I’ve been handed a piece of someone’s heart. Weird? Yeah, I know.
Vicki OBVIOUSLY was and is an amazing mother and person. I remember a few years back, I “won” something from Jay (Alli’s husband) and as part of the gift, Vicki baked me some goods. She was sick, and REALLY didn’t need to bake me anything, but she did… out of love.
I want to be like Vicki.
I want to leave an incomparable legacy with Chance and Paxton.
I want my grandchildren to cherish my words to them.
I want to LOVE like Vicki…
… but more importantly… I want to BE loved like Vicki.
However, right now, I’m not allowing anyone to REALLY do that. Not even God. And without love… I’m dying.
I know I can be healed though. I know… and I also know, that very soon… Vicki’s body will be healed. Not her physical body… but the body that gets to live eternally with Jesus. An unbroken, unhurting, PERFECT body.
Please pray with me for the Whipps’ Family and everyone who’s connected to them.
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UPDATE: I got the word tonight, Friday, February 12th, that Vicki has gone to be with Jesus. Her pain is gone… but Alli’s isn’t. Please continue praying for the Whipps’ Family.
Things For Restoration
As most of you know, Justin & Trish are good friends of ours. They played a HUGE part in the restoration of Brian and my marriage after my affair.
Today… Justin wrote an amazing post about the steps you NEED to take if you truly want restoration in your marriage and in your life.
- Totally surrender and repent before God
- Cut all ties with the person whom you have had the affair
- Submit every minute of your life to a trusted friend
- Get to a Christian counselor that specializes in marriage restoration
- Come clean early and often as you try to rebuild trust
- Be willing to do whatever it takes to restore your marriage
I posted his points here but you REALLY need to read everything in between for the full picture. CLICK HERE to read all of it.
With that said… I’d just like to add this:
It’s about MORE than just your marriage (and if you’re not married… your FUTURE marriage)… it’s about your relationship with GOD. When I was choosing my affair, I was not only giving my husband and family my sloppy seconds… but giving God even less. That’s not His desire for us.
God desires for us to be completely united with Him first and foremost.
He wants to bless us with the most amazing gifts.
He wants to break our hearts with the things that break His.
He wants us to see compassion through His eyes.
He wants us to feel community the way He does with Jesus and the Spirit.
He wants us to experience life the way He intended us to… without barriers.
When we choose something/someone else before Him… we don’t get to live within our true potential or purpose. We lose ourselves… and THAT… is devastating.
Go… Read… Soak it in…
… CHANGE.
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Update: For Trisha’s response… CLICK HERE!
2010: The Last Decade
It’s the New Year… and to commemorate this *exciting* tenth year past 2000, I thought I’d document the last decade of my life on one post. A lot has happened…
Let’s begin.
2000:
- I moved from Seattle to Portland, knowing NO one.
- Met Brian in February.
- Started working in Radio Marketing.
- Got engaged in December.
2001:
- Bought our condo.
- Got married on May 27th.
2002:
- Found out we were “infertile”.
- Lost a couple of babies in miscarriages.
2003:
- Left Marketing behind and started Full-Time Ministry at Sunset.
- Lost another baby.
- Bought our first “house” in Bethany.
2004:
- Started Blogging.
- Started the Adoption Process.
- Found out we were pregnant in December. Didn’t move for 3 months.
- Abandoned the Adoption Process for now.
2005:
- Chance was born on September 1st.
2006:
- Left FT Ministry to stay home with Chance.
- I stepped into an affair.
2007:
- Sold my dream house & moved to Hillsboro.
- Filled in at the Interim Student Worship Director at Sunset for a year.
2008:
- We moved… again… back to Bethany area.
- My sister, Renee, married Jason in July.
- Started as the Worship Pastor at Church! at Bethany.
- Paxton was born on November 6th.
- We moved… again… to a temporary house.
2009:
- Told Brian about my infidelity.
- Went back into counseling.
- Scott died.
- We moved… again… for the last time in 3 years to Beaverton.
- Wondered if our marriage was going to make it… daily.
- Went public (church & blog) about my affair.
- Started finally experiencing a REAL marriage with my husband.
- Turned 31.
- Discovered what grace REALLY looks and feels like.
- Healing… and living… maybe for the first time ever.
- My baby sister, Helen, announced her engagement to Jesse.
What is in store for us in 2010? I have no idea… but I have never look more optimistically at an upcoming year.
In the last ten years, it feels as if my life was only beginning. I fell… many times… more times than I really care to admit. I remember MANY very specific moments of just wanting to lay there and never get up again. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die in my shame and pain. But somehow, I found my way back on my feet. To stand as a sinner… to face the consequences… to deal with the ROOT issues (not just what seemed to be)… and maybe the most difficult hurdle of all:
… to allow undeserved grace to wash over me.
… to be redeemed & restored.
This year, 2010, I look forward to:
- Continued restoration in my marriage.
- Healing in other relationships.
- Many rich and full moments with my family.
- Deepening the bond with my amazing girlfriends from all over.
- Learning how to love more freely and with reckless abandon.
- Owning my first spaceship (you still there?)
God is good… all the time.
… even when it doesn’t feel like it.
… especially when it doesn’t feel like it.
What are 10 words (less or more) that describe your LAST decade?
Happy 1st Birthday, Paxton!!!
Today is Paxton’s FIRST birthday.
His first year of life has flown by, but it’s as if he’s ALWAYS been a part of our lives.
Pax has got 6 visible teeth right now — 4 on top and 2 on the bottom. He’s walking EVERYWHERE and can get up the stairs in less than 5 seconds. His talking sounds like gurgling and babbling ALWAYS brings a smile to Brian and my face.
He’s gonna be a big blogger, obviously!
Paxton Joel,
YOU are cherished. You help me look outside myself. You give Mommy hope that I can be a better person… for you, for Chance, for Daddy AND for myself. Your smile melts my heart. Your cry breaks me into a million pieces. All I want to do is make your world right for you. And I know I don’t have that kind of control, so I just hold you… and drink in your presence.
“Pax” means “peace” and you have brought JUST that into our lives. You have no idea the kind of restoration you’ve brought into Mommy & Daddy’s life just by existing. I thank God EVERY DAY for letting me be a part of your life. There is NOTHING you could ever do to make me stop loving you. NOTHING!!! And when I forget to tell you I’m proud of you, or that I love you… I hope you’ll know by my actions that you mean the world to me.
Happy first Birthday, sweet Paxton… my darling peacemaker. You came just in time.
Love Forever and a Day,
Mommy
I Need You To Love Me
Thank you, BarlowGirl, for reminding me of this today:
Why, why are You still here with me
Didn’t You see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it’s here I see the truth
I don’t deserve You[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won’t keep my heart from You this time
And I’ll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love meI have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
‘Cause You’re a God who has all things
And still You want meYour love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Just wanted to remind you… it’s ok to feel like you need to be loved. That’s how He created us. And the best news is this:
You’re worth loving
… no matter what you’ve done.
My thirty-FIRST Birthday
Today, I am 31 years old.
When I was little, I thought 31 was old… like REALLY old.
I thought that by 31 I would DEFINITELY have it all together.
Well… here I am. Too old to be in love with Zac Efron and too young to get a face-lift.
And seeing that I only have one living grandparent left, I think I can safely guess that genetics would say my life is already half over.
But you know what?
… Thirty-ONE is a great number.
It took me 30 years to get to the point of complete honesty with myself.
It took 30 years to fall completely broken on my face.
It took 30 years to realize the walls I had built around me were suffocating me.
It took 30 years to finally set up appropriate boundaries of protection.
It took 30 years to experience what grace really is.
It took 30 years to see that love was real… even for me.
Today is my thirty-FIRST birthday.
My first year to fall in love everyday with my husband.
My first year to love those around me UNCONDITIONALLY.
My first year to extend the grace of God that is for EVERYONE.
My first year living with no hidden secrets.
My first year being 100% available to my children.
My first year being whole.
It’s my FIRST year. My life is only beginning.
God is in the business of restoring lives. This is the first year I’ll fully experience it.
Guess what???
Today’s the first day of the rest of YOUR life too!!!
Why I’ve Been “Quiet”
I haven’t posted in awhile because, as you know, we’ve moved. We moved on May 29th to our new house in Beaverton… right next door to Laura Vandergiessen (well… Clint and the boys too… but they don’t have blogs for me to link to, so they’re really not as important in this post).
I hope you can forgive me for not keeping up with my Worship Confessionals, floating thoughts, family updates and most of all, not showing my spastic self all up in here for your entertainment. I so do love entertaining… but due to recent happenings, I really felt/feel I needed to hone in on my family and our home.
Brian and I have been working ALMOST round the clock to make our new house a home. I’ll post pictures soon (What??? I’ve posted pictures of every single other house we’ve ever lived in… why would this be different?). When we’re not working on the house (unpacking boxes, hanging pictures, painting rooms, etc.) we’re working on us. THAT part of “home” is the most important and has been long neglected.
I have mistakenly spent way too much heart on things that I THOUGHT were important to me… when the only things that ever really REALLY mattered to me were always RIGHT in front of me – Brian & my family. I’m thankful for second chances. I’m not gonna pass this one up.
Neither should you!
Go snuggle up and tell him/her/them you love them RIGHT NOW.
And don’t just “SAY” it… LIVE IT!
8 Years…
Today is Brian and my 8 year anniversary.
Here’s a picture I took of us from the most recent 50 Pic Friday Challenge. It was the LAST one to mark my day… and it marked it perfectly.
I really can’t believe 8 years have gone by.
I also can’t believe how much my heart beats for this man.
Today, Chance said to me… “I think Daddy is really cool, Mommy. I love him a lot.” I asked Chance, “Why do you love Daddy?” His response, “Because Daddy has big hands and bigs arms to catch me when I’m falling.”
That’s my Brian.
What have I ever done to deserve a man as great as Brian?
Here is a man I’ve:
- taken for granted.
- I’ve chosen my work over (early in our marriage, especially).
- nagged on over the most ridiculous things.
- held my ugliest secret from till recently.
- hurt in the deepest, most unimaginable ways.
In response, this man has:
- taken me in.
- chosen me second only to God.
- listened to me anyway.
- held me and still loves me past my unloveable acts.
- forgiven me and STILL chooses to be with me everyday.
I am not worthy… but I am forever grateful. I never knew love could be like this. And in the most recent devastation in our lives, I am thankful that:
- when I roll over in the middle of the night, Brian is there… laying next to me, warm and breathing.
- when Chance says “I want my Daddy!” I can say, “Let me go get him downstairs.”
- I fit right into the nape of his neck.
- Even in the wake of our own crap, at least we GET TO have another day to work through it together.
- He can see and hear me tell him “I Love You!”
Brian, I am SO in love with you, it hurts. Our past 8 years have been great… but I can’t wait to live our next 80 years together.
You are my everything.
Jenni on Skype: jclayville 
