Prodigal Son – Part One
Matt wrote about the series we’re going through this next month.
As most of you know… I, too, am one who’s found my way back to God… and am constantly finding my way back to God.
Everyone is looking for something… we ALL want to find that “something”. And if you say you’re not, well… you’re either extremely unaware of yourself or just flat out lying.
We’re hosting 3 different stories from people at our church in this next series.
This first video is of Jessica… a woman (and now friend) I had been praying for LONG before I ever saw her face, met her in person, or embraced her.
Silence is NOT Golden
Yesterday, Mike Foster, wrote a post on the People of the Second Chance website titled SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN… SPEAK UP!
This post resonated with me all too well.
When Brian and I publicized the death of our first marriage, this is exactly what we encountered:
SILENCE.
We knew our friends just didn’t know what to say.
They didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
They didn’t want to seem judgmental.
They didn’t want to hurt our feelings.
But in their silence, what they told us (though they didn’t mean to) was this :
YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!
Don’t get me wrong. We had a handful of friends that DID check in on us just to tell us they were praying for us, but the problem is when you hit rock bottom like this, you already feel completely alone. In a way… you’re almost deficit in how alone you feel… so a couple of phone calls won’t even bring you back to ground zero. Silence only confirms your deepest fears: that you’ve been abandoned by the world.
Obviously, Brian and I made it through the darkest times, but here’s a word to those of you who have friends that are currently going through the desert:
SPEAK UP!
You don’t need to say anything profound. Just say this (practice it with me):
“Hi friend. Listen… I was just thinking about you. I really don’t have anything to say. No advice. Just wanted you to know I LOVE you.”
Then… pray for them… and call them again in a couple of days. And a couple of days after that. And after that. Every time you think about them, drop them a note, an email, a text, a voicemail. These simple acts make a world of difference.
So, it’s your turn. Speak up, because silence = perceived judgment.
ONE Thing with RefineUs.Org
Today, Brian and I got the privilege to guest post over at RefineUs.org. Justin and Trisha are GREAT friends of ours and have built an amazing ministry out of their story. Talk about beauty from ashes.
If you didn’t know, Justin and Trish were an instrumental part to the restoration of Brian and my marriage. They are good people… OUR people.
Here’s an excerpt from our post:
When we got married (Brian was 26 & Jenni was 22), our thoughts and concerns at the time were about one thing: Our STATUS.
We’re not saying we didn’t love each other or that we shouldn’t have gotten married… we’re simply stating that our new “status” was more attractive than thinking about the reality of what marriage meant.
It wasn’t till after we divorced our old marriage that we FINALLY began to talk about these things. We talked about our dreams, our desires, our goals… and soon realized we both wanted …
To read more… CLICK HERE!
Check in there all week. They have a great line-up of guest-bloggers who are worth reading.
We’re Getting Married!
As most of you know, Brian and I have divorced our old marriage and have started anew.
And as if him just giving me a second chance wasn’t good enough… he went ahead and did THIS last night:
(to watch in Vimeo, CLICK HERE!)
My man is the most amazing man IN THE WORLD.
CHEERS! … to second chances… to starting over…
… to making it better than it EVER was before!
Do’s & Do Not’s
Since sharing our story of my affair, Brian and I have received bulldozer (we don’t have a bulldozer, so I don’t really know how big that is) amounts of emails, phone calls, and messages.
Some of the most encouraging emails we’ve received are from people who want to know HOW to prevent an affair. YES!!! This is the right question, because an affair is preventable if you are aware you’re not immune. I’ve replied to many emails already, but I thought I’d gather my thoughts a bit more linearly and post them here for dialogue.
You need to ask yourself how you’re doing in all these areas, and answer them honestly. I posted some of these questions over on this GUEST POST, but I thought I’d address “DO’s” and “DO NOT’s” in more detail here:
DO:
- Communicate: you need to talk to your spouse. Marriage isn’t a “happily ever after”… it’s a “once upon a time” so work it out. The reason God gave you YOUR spouse is to grow YOU in those specific areas. Communication isn’t one way… so if you’re the “talker” (like me) in the relationship, ask questions, shut up, and LISTEN. And most importantly… PRAY TOGETHER. Communicate with God TOGETHER.
- Have Sex: seriously… once a month (or year) is NOT going to do it. If you’re not connecting physically, that brings about insecurity. Insecurity does NOT belong in a marriage.
- Creatively Encourage: yes… your other needs to hear you say it. ”You should just know I love you” is NOT a good way to say “I love you”. And while you’re saying “I love you”, be creative with your words in WHY you love him/her. Make time in the day to text or call just to say what you appreciate about your spouse.
- Invest in Counseling: we all need a little bit of therapy! You cannot rightly say “It’s over!” if you haven’t tried everything. Yes, it costs money and yes, there’s a “stigma”. Who cares… it’s your MARRIAGE. We all enter into marriage with baggage. It is NOT fair to drop that on our spouse and say, “Your problem now!” Also, find good accountability. Find people that can tell you “no” or “you’re wrong” to your face.
- Plant a Hedge: we all have a “line” we don’t cross. I had it too… until I jumped over it and stayed there for awhile. Plant a BIG hedge in front of the line so even if you get bumped in that direction, you won’t cross that line. It probably wouldn’t hurt to plant a hedge around your marriage too. Here’s how…
DO NOT:
- Trash Talk: trashing your spouse in front of your friends is NOT ok. Do you realize you are the one who looks like an idiot when you do that? I mean, YOU’RE the one who married him/her. Also, sharing more information with someone other than your spouse is a HUGE red flag. The only thing worse is talking to them about your marriage. STOP and get out fast. You are swimming with sharks there, friend.
- Spend Alone Time with the Opposite Gender: No buts. I understand if there are business meetings that need to occur. Go to public places. Drive separately. Try to bring a third person. In a world of social media and emails, make sure your spouse has your passwords to everything. Make it impossible to hold any secrets from your spouse.
- Use Your Children: Yes… you. Don’t hide behind your children. Yes, your kids need you, but what they need most is to see Mom & Dad IN LOVE and working it out. It doesn’t hurt them to see you argue… but they NEED to see you resolve it. This also helps train them to deal with conflict in a healthy way when they’re older.
- Avoid Brokenness: this is where you’ll find your strength. This is where you find wholeness. It’s gonna hurt. BAD! But you’ll come out stronger in the end. Think Olympic athletes. They have to break down their bodies to become as strong as they are. Training is not comfortable.
- Withhold Forgiveness: bringing up the past when it’s already been addressed and dealt with is not going to help your marriage. I once heard someone say, “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” It’s stupid. How do you move forward into the future if you’re clinging to the past. For some of you, the person you need to forgive the most is not your spouse… it’s you. Forgive.
I know many of you reading this may not have survived your marriage. I know many of you tried and did ALL you could, but it just didn’t work. I don’t even pretend to know that kind of devastation. I’m not necessarily speaking to you about any of this, but I will say there is something quite amazing about hope. I don’t know what that looks like in your life… but it’s there – as plain as the gray in my hair… it’s there.
We have no way of controlling our spouse. The only person you are accountable for is YOU. So, step up and DO what you need to do and DON’T do what’s going to hurt you.
Our Story (Part Four)
We shared our story with our church.
Our church wept with us. Our church celebrated our choice to fight the odds. We were prayed over, accepted, embraced and supported. We partially expected judgement, but instead, we received grace.
Brian and I were blown away by the amazing response.
We’ve experienced a death. A death in our old marriage. Our counselor wisely said, “I know you guys aren’t looking at divorce as an option, but a divorce MUST happen. You must divorce your old marriage and start new.” We still have bad days… this isn’t magic, but I can honestly say that we have WAY more good days than we ever had… even before the affair.
You may be wondering why I decided to “come out” with my secret. After all… no one would have ever known. You’re right. But God knew… and I knew. Not only was I NOT immune to an affair, but I was VERY capable of one. I really had to destroy any and ALL chances of this ever happening again. This was how. God’s desire for us is to live in truth… in the light. Nothing that lives in darkness can survive.
“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” ~Matthew 23:27
I was destroying myself with my secret. It was time to clean the tomb out. Besides, I didn’t need a tomb because Christ offers LIFE that’s eternal.
I’d like to say that this story has a fairy tale ending… a “Happily Ever After.” However, it’s more like a “Once upon a time…”
Even though there is still hurt and pain swirling around us, we knew it was time to break the lineage to generational sin. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me in revealing my ugly truth, but I knew I needed to FINALLY obey God, no matter the cost to me.
I can actually SEE God blessing our family because of our obedience. Brian and I are closer than we’ve ever been… EVER. We’ve been married since 2001. I’m not saying life is perfect or that we don’t fall into some of our old patterns, but OVERALL, I have never experienced life, love or joy like this.
It’s going to continually be up and down for us… but I KNOW I’m truly, honestly living an authentic life with no secrets holding me down.
God is healing Brian.
God is redeeming me.
God is restoring us to something greater than it ever was before.
Besides experiencing a REAL marriage and life with Brian, the best of all this is how deeply I’ve found myself falling for Jesus. I’ll be honest… I don’t always invite him into every part of my day. I sometimes feel like I need to protect JESUS from my dysfunction – as if Jesus needs to be protected from anything, but the good thing is I’m inviting him in more and more… and he is cleaning house!
In all of this, I no longer question if I married the “right” man. I now know, the “deep” feelings I had for that other man, though it felt VERY real at the time, was really just my projected need to be loved and desired. Brian has stepped up and become that. Or… maybe he’s been that the whole time, but I just didn’t let him in.
Brian KNOWS my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
Brian finishes my sentences.
Brian knows my thoughts just by looking at me.
Brian pursues me.
But GOD gives me confidence in all of this. Confidence in Brian.
We are very much still in the healing process and we have only made it to this point by the grace of God and the constant, unrelenting prayers of our friends and family.
“But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out. “Go, stand in the temple courts,” he said, “and tell the people the full message of this new life.”
~ Acts 5:19-21
We’re hoping that by us sharing our story WHILE we’re in the midst of healing, that you can see the hope that is Christ Jesus. We hope you can see redemption is real and very possible for all of us no matter how ugly the sin looks. Our desire is you will stop hiding…
Believe it or not… you’re not alone.
You’re FAR from being alone.
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To read OUR STORY from beginning to end:
Our Story (Part Three)
Guest posted by: Brian Clayville
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The very thought of this was overwhelmingly humiliating for both of us. Jenni had just conquered several years worth of fear by telling me her most painful secret and now a week later, I was asking her to expose this ugliness to all those closest to us. She shut down in fear…
… but not for long.
Within 24 hours, Jenni did as I asked. Our Pastor and his wife, Matt & Cindy, were at our house the next night. Jenni shared her story boldly, even though she knew she could lose her job as the Worship Pastor at Church at Bethany. This was a big deal because we really needed this income. Our fear was quickly quieted and Jenni’s willingness to be honest was embraced. Matt and Cindy were gracious, forgiving and supportive. Not only did they choose to keep Jenni on staff, but they really helped us in many ways through our healing process. I can’t say many people in church leadership are like this.
Over the next few days, Jenni called our closest friends… the ones she had lied to and confessed her story. One of her first calls was to the wife of the man she had the affair with. That’s a whole different story, but I can tell you that she forgave Jenni and they are actively working through an amazing restoration in their friendship. The reaction from the rest of our friends and family were varied but most were very forgiving and full of grace. I was and still am so proud of her for being willing to risk so much and to be so vulnerable.
The months following didn’t get any easier. I guess you can say I was going through the grieving process. I pulled back from life. Several times, I wanted to give up on our marriage and just escape the pain. Maybe a handful of people checked in on me or called to encourage me… but this was rare. I’m not saying this is their fault, but the reality is people didn’t know what to do or what to say, so they just did nothing. Jenni and I had counseling but that was only an hour every week.
I felt abandoned.
The worst part was how distant I felt from God. I withdrew from Him just as I did from most people in my life. He felt so distant and irrelevant to me that I could not bring myself to pray or seek him with any consistency.
Finally, in mid-August, I knew it was time to stop focusing on my pain. It was MY turn to heal. It was time to come out of this desert. I asked God to use my horrible reality for his Glory. It was not clear to me what that meant or how I would do it, but I MADE that decision.
Jenni arranged a last minute trip to my parents’ house in La Grande. We spent a lot of time praying, being quiet and just BEING together. I found God again… right where I had left him. This weekend away became an instrumental time for our marriage. We were healing. Not just the pretend-stuff-it-under-the-rug “healing”… but we were falling in love again. Me and God… and me and Jenni.
We came home with a new hope, a new goal and a new future. We were like newlyweds. Everything was actually good, which was amazing because there was a time when I truly wondered if anything would ever be “good” again. My marriage was… no… is GREAT!
This was when God decided to do as I had asked – use my horrible reality for His Glory. In my quiet time with God, He spoke:
“It’s time for you to share your story…”
“WHAT??? Jen will NEVER go with this! She had a hard enough time telling those closest to us!” I argued back. But God was going before us in a way I had never imagined.
Jenni came home from her staff meeting that day and said, “Matt wants us to share our story at church… and I think it’s time.”
We knew this was God ordained. We knew it was time to finally obey God completely with our marriage. We were scared spitless. EVERYONE was going to know. EVERYONE was going to judge us… judge Jenni…
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Read Our Story in order here:
Our Story (Part Two)
Brian, my better half, is going to “guest-blog” and write the next two parts of our story:
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When Jenni broke the news to me, I was devastated to say the least.
I went and stayed with my friend, Todd, who had recently been through some hard times of his own. For the next few days, Todd gave me a safe place to talk, pray and have a quiet place to rest.
He listened to my story.
He comforted me.
He gave me space to process.
In my own reflection, I felt like such a small man. I had been too weak to confront issues that had obviously been inappropriate. Why had I not set stronger boundaries… been more protective and jealous? How could I have not seen this happening with my wife? After all… this was MY WIFE.
The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster. There were days, I totally blamed Jenni and the other man (who was my friend). ”How could they have done this to me?” Those days, I just wanted a divorce because I thought it wouldn’t hurt anymore. However, there were also days where I just celebrated the fact that Jenni had finally been truthful with me. Though the news was devastating, she ultimately chose to honor me… risking everything by telling me about her affair.
I realized that I had come very close to losing the love of my life.
You see, Jenni grew up in an emotionally abusive home and had a lot of emotional scars that needed to heal. This didn’t stop at childhood. I have actually witnessed this during the time of our marriage. My wife had been walking on eggshells for 30 years. This caused her to build walls around herself for protection. She was ready for conflict at all times… even if she didn’t need to be. She NEVER felt safe, protected, or truly loved unconditionally. I didn’t know how to provide all she needed. Nor was I capable at that time.
Todd challenged me to stay by her and love her through the process. He reminded me that my boys needed a father AND mother working together to be Godly role models. That’s when I finally made the decision:
I wanted to make our marriage work.
The work of processing through where I had failed in our marriage looked me straight in the eyes. What I saw in myself was revealing and uncomfortable.
I rarely ever pursued Jenni.
I avoided anything that felt like conflict with her.
I never attempted heart felt communication with her.
I was not jealous enough as a husband and best friend to seek her full attention.
By not saying anything, I told Jenni she didn’t matter enough to me for me to fight for her. I didn’t protect her OR cherish her. Though she was the one who chose to splinter from our marriage vows, I knew I too was responsible for the breakdown of our marriage.
But the more I thought about this three year secret that had just surfaced, the more I realized I wasn’t the only person Jenni had hidden this part of her life from. For lack of better words, Jenni had lied to many of our close friends and family too. I asked her if she would go and tell them the truth.
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Our Story – Part One
Our Story (Part One)
In mid-2006, I stepped into an affair. This man… and his wife were couple friends of ours long before the affair began. However, the affair took flight after working deeply in ministry together. The affair lasted two years.
Even though Brian and I had become “glorified roommates”, I knew I still loved him. I obviously didn’t show it with my actions. I knew I never wanted to leave Brian… but I couldn’t believe how quickly and deeply I had fallen for this other man.
Could it be possible that I married the wrong man?
He knew my biggest dreams… my deepest hurts.
He could finish my sentences.
He knew my thoughts just by looking at me.
He pursued me.
He gave me confidence.
This man wasn’t an evil predator that seduced married women for his own gain. We were (inappropriately) BEST FRIENDS. Though he had made that first move, I was the one who hooked him and didn’t let go. Instead of seeking God or going to my husband, I used this other man to fill a very empty hole in my life. And because he was/is just another hurt human being in search for something, we fell deeper.
In the confusion of thinking I was in love with TWO men, the one person I really didn’t love…
… was myself.
As most do, my affair ended. I tried to LIVE with this deep, dark secret. I knew the other man would never say anything. No one would ever know. I thought I could live AND DIE with this secret. I thought I was protecting Brian and Chance by keeping this secret from them, when in reality, I was just trying to protect the very little of myself I had left. I was convinced that if I kept this to myself that I could MAKE this work. I knew if anyone ever found out, I would lose everything. Worst of all, I locked God out of my life.
I lived every day trying to make what I did wrong… right. It was all works based. I said to myself, “I CAN DO THIS!!!” And by some standards, I did. I was FINALLY being a good wife. I was dedicated to Brian… to Chance… to my church. But, I felt myself withdrawing from life.
Paxton was born November of 2008 and I fell into the deepest depression I had ever experienced. I blamed it on post-partum (partially true) but I knew where the root of my personal hell was coming from… and the worst part was, I didn’t allow anyone to come and help bear my burden. Not even Jesus. ESPECIALLY not Jesus.
Fast forward to April of this year. A couple we now consider good friends, Justin & Trish Davis shared their story with us. Long story short, Justin had an affair with Trisha’s best friend. In the pain of it all, they chose to work through it and stay married. I had HEARD about things like this happening but had never PERSONALLY known real people who stayed together after a full-blown affair. The part that stuck with me the most was how much God had restored Justin and Trisha’s relationship with Himself.
This was my hearts biggest desire.
I needed to tell Brian. I knew I could possibly lose everything. Brian could leave me. He could take the kids. I would be left friendless… family-less. My reputation that I had worked so long and hard at would be ruined… and I would deserve every bit of it. This would be the end of me.
For The Broken
Brian and I have gone public with our story, but we realize that not everyone likes to sit and listen to a podcast. So, we’ve decided to just write it down here.
We’re writing it for our records… for our healing… but we’re also writing it for you.
We don’t claim to be marriage counselors or relationship experts by any means. Heck, we’re still figuring out new things about each other on a daily basis. But we want to do this… because while we were in the midst of our darkest moments, the moments we thought our marriage was not going to make it, we felt completely alone. However, even though we FELT that way… the truth is, we weren’t.
Our hope is that where-ever YOU may be, even though you FEEL like it, you will know are NOT alone.
“Our Story” series will begin on Tuesday. We hope you will join us in praying:
- ** for the many out there who are still trapped in darkness.
- ** for the ones who are listening to the lie that they can never be forgiven.
- ** for the ones who think they are broken beyond repair.
- ** for the ones who really believe they are worthless.
- ** for the ones who have given up hope.
Here we are… a month after and really, we’re just starting to realize our story has very little to do with us… and much more to do with WHO God is in all of this. Jesus didn’t come for the well… he came for the broken.
He came for me…
…and he came for YOU.
He’s HERE for you.
Trisha Davis
Trish and Justin Davis are good friends of ours that have played a MAJOR role in where Brian and I are today (you can read HERE how we met and how God orchestrated our lives to collide).
I am beyond grateful for my friendship with Trisha. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders, encouragers and prayer warriors in the past seven months. All this to say…
Trisha just launched her own personal blog.
YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS THIS.
Click over. Bookmark it. Subscribe.
She has amazing wisdom to share. Read and allow her words to penetrate your heart.
I love you, Trish! Thank you, for being my friend!
I’m Mourning
I am in mourning. It’s a dark place.
I’m mourning:
… the loss of my old marriage. :: When Brian and I decided to divorce our old marriage, we didn’t just divorce the bad, the affair, and the breakdown. Because so many of our good memories were mixed in with the timing of the affair, we had to knowingly divorce ALL the memories… including all the good ones. Everything was tainted.
… the loss of my old integrity. :: Before the affair, I can honestly say I really lived life as boldly as I could above reproach. People trusted me. People sought out my advice. The act of the affair destroyed ALL of that in one fell swoop. I’m starting over BELOW ground zero now.
… the loss of good friends. :: It’s always been easier for me to befriend guys than girls. I’ve only recently (in the last 4 years) connected with more women… but I could safely say that “my ladies” were less than 50% of my friend influence. Post-affair, I have realized I CAN NOT have close friendships with guys… so THAT 50% PLUS of my friendships must change… HAVE changed. I have therefore “lost” more than 50% of my friends.
But TODAY is a new day.
Today:
… I get to fall in love with Brian again. :: My new marriage to the same man has introduced a love I have never known before. I get to tell him, every day, that I choose him. I get to experience REAL life with him, unbound from the chains of my past secrets. I get to be loved to a degree I have never known till now.
… I get to live a life of TRUE Restoration. :: The integrity I had before was a false sense of self. It became my obsession… another thing I could “control”. It made my “fall” a much scarier, longer drop from grace. Restoration, however, has NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with Jesus. I don’t get to control this… so I can’t mess this one up.
… I get to invest into a deeper love with my girlfriends. :: Not all girls are mean. In fact, I have found the women of my life to be quite wise, truth speaking and loyal. Irreplaceable, actually. I get to spend 50% more of my time discovering a REAL community.
Though I’m still in mourning… today is a new day. Today, I get to kick Satan in the jingles and say, “YOU DON’T GET TO WRITE MY STORY!” I know that mourning these losses WILL propel me forward to the new life I have awaiting me… a better life. Today, I choose to live in the light. And with that… I say…
“Good Morning!”
The light of the morning will not arrive until the dark of the night passes.
What are YOU trading in this morning?
My Pool (Part Four)
After almost two years, the affair ended… as all do in one way or another. And there I was: alone with my thoughts.. I had been treading for almost 30 years in very murky, polluted waters.
All I ever wanted was to matter.
I wanted to be LOVED by someone…
I wanted to be GREAT at something…
I wanted to be REMEMBERED when I was gone…
And the truth was… I had MADE it. By the age of 30 I had attained everything I ever set out to acquire. So why did I feel like such a nobody?
My relationship with God was starting to pick up again. This was good except He wanted to heal me. The NERVE, right? He was starting to reveal root issues I had buried so deeply, I wasn’t even aware they existed. These were things I wasn’t ready to face.
My life was a swimming pool FULL of trash. God was helping me bring all of my rubbish to the surface, but it was up to me whether I wanted to use my net to fish it out. I knew if I were to grab the net, I would have to really look at the trash before I could destroy it once and for all. It was much easier to just push everything back down and just never swim in the pool.
On the outside, my life still looked fine. I accepted a new position at Church at Bethany as the Worship Pastor. Brian and I got pregnant and birthed another healthy little boy, Paxton. Chance started his first year of preschool. I was happy… but I should have been ecstatic about my life. My secrets were eating me alive. I was missing out on my OWN life and couldn’t recognize it.
You see… my pool wasn’t only for me. Brian, Chance, Paxton, our family, and all our friends were gathered around it… just waiting for me to give them the “ok” to jump in and play. And man, did they want to play… it’s always a hot day around here. But my pool was polluted and not safe for anyone to swim in.
It was time to clean my pool.
I told Brian about my affair, and the following 5 months were beyond painful. My pool had been stirred and now the waters looked murkier. I didn’t know if we were going to make it. By the looks of it, this mess was getting worse. This was NOT what I had signed up for.
As I was “fishing”, I began to get really angry. I noticed that though most of the trash was tossed in by ME, a LOT of it was from other people. However, I had a choice: to place blame and wait for “them” to come clean up their litter, or just take ownership and clean the parts that affected me. I was mourning some deep, deep issues for the first time. It hurt… but it was good..
While God was re-surfacing all my trash, and I was obediently fishing each and every item out one-by-one… my friends and loved ones had put a brand new filter in my pool. I didn’t know it at the time, but the friends and family we had told were intercessing on our behalf. They were helping me clean my pool without me even asking.
** Thank you, my dear friends. Even now, as I write this, I sit… tearfully and humbly thankful to each and every one of you. Thank you. **
My focus was tightly wrapped up in the rubbish I was taking out. I mourned each and every re-surfaced piece of trash I once treasured. I was permanently destroying the remnants of my garbage in a huge bonfire… when one day, Brian and I looked in and noticed the most amazing sight. Not only were the waters clean, but the once cluttered pool bottom was now cleared of ALL debris. And there stood Jesus, inviting us in with some floaty recliners and margaritas, complete with those cute little drink umbrellas made by underaged and underpaid third world children (you still there? just checkin’ to see if you’re still reading).
Friends… all of us have a pool. And if we don’t tend to it, it will become polluted and dirty, rendering it completely useless. I also want to reiterate that I didn’t do this alone. Christ was there, Brian was there, and friends were there.
This can’t happen overnight. It’s really grueling work that seems hopeless and never-ending at times. You don’t have to do it alone… but to get help, you need to be willing to show others how dirty your pool really is. I, for one, promise to help get you a filter for your pool if you tell me you need one.
I’m not saying my pool will be clean forever. Occasionally, trash will drift in and the water will get stagnant. I know Brian and I will need to drain the pool at times in our next 70+ years together and put fresh water in… but it sure is a lot easier to upkeep when we don’t let it build up.
What’s in your pool?
Isn’t it time to go swimming with all your loved ones?
I think so, friends… I think so.
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To read the whole series:
Part One: In My Daddy’s Lap
Part Two: Floater
Part Three: My Empire
My Empire (Part Three)
My empire came soon enough.
I moved to Portland, Oregon.
I met and married Brian.
I finished college at George Fox University with a 3.96 GPA (Social & Behavioral Sciences).
I was a full-time Worship Pastor for Students.
I oversaw a ministry leadership team of 50+.
I conquered a 3-year battle with “infertility” and had Chance.
I, I, I… me, me, me… I had more than I would ever need. But it wasn’t enough. I ALWAYS had to be better… I always wanted more.
To be honest, I never TRULY thought I was “all that”. In fact, I was certain I was nothing… but I gave everyone around me the appearance that I had “arrived”. If I wasn’t the best… you bet I worked day & night till I was. If I knew I couldn’t be “better” than you in “that”, I made sure I was better than you in something else. I thrived on hearing those words, “Jenni is SO good at ______.” I had EVERYTHING to prove.
… and everything to lose.
To the public, Brian and I were the couple that had it all. We had the big house, the thriving ministry, the coolest friends, the cutest, most well-behaved baby… blah blah blah. But what was REALLY happening behind the scenes? I was a ticking time-bomb.
My worship band was being asked to play extra gigs. We had two recording projects under our belt. I was stealing time away from my family to “DO MORE” for Ministry. This made me feel important… after all, I was doing all this for God, right? In “doing more”, all I was really doing was becoming less. I was burning out.
I left Student Ministries. I was aware enough to know I had lost myself in all of this… but I had NO idea where to start looking for me.
About this same time, we started losing all our “stuff“. I no longer working. Brian’s business was no longer flourishing. We couldn’t keep up with our house payments. We already lost one of our cars to the “repo-man”, and we were in the process of losing our house.
Brian barely had ANY of my time, and when we DID have a “date night”, I was distracted, to say the least. Brian and I rarely talked, but when we DID talk, it often ended in a disagreement. The disagreement would end with me EXPLODING on him. This made it impossible for Brian to EVER want to pursue or be open with me.
I didn’t see it then, but I had become my Mother. I made Brian walk on eggshells. If we’re gonna REALLY be honest, I was just WAITING to see how far I could push Brian till he left me.
He didn’t.
That’s when I did the unthinkable. I dove head-first into an affair. The seven-year-old side of me thought I had finally found someone who really loved me and would pursue me. Finally. But the 28-year old side of me was ready to demolish my beautiful life… every blessing God had ever given me to show His love for me. I was about to ruin everything I had ever worked and hoped for because deep down, I didn’t believe I deserved any of it.
I was destroying my Empire with my own two hands…
(to be continued – stay tuned for the LAST of this series)
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Part One: In My Daddy’s Lap
Part Two: Floater
Our Friends Are Crazy
During last week’s “PrayerFest” in prep for us sharing our story, many of our friends wrote VERY encouraging emails.
I had to share my favorite from Chad Markley (you can read about Chad and Sarah’s story HERE):
Tomorrow will get “hot” and maybe even unbearable at times. But remember like the three Israelite kids in the furnace….Christ was there waiting, he preserved them through it without a scratch or even the smell of smoke. Most of all, He used the intense heat to burn away the ropes that bound them. Tomorrow, He is going to burn the ropes that have been keeping you guys bound up!
We believe in you two, but even more so in the God that you represent.
You flip that King of Babylon the bird tomorrow and jump in that furnace head first!
We love you two.
Chad
This came in shortly after I took this picture of us Skyping:
Don’t worry… this only happened AFTER they prayed over us. Or… maybe you should worry. I’m not sure.
Everyone needs a friend that will tell them to flip the King of Babylon the bird.
Worship Confessional – 09.20.09 – “SIN”
Today was a BIG day for us.
We had been asking for prayer because we, Brian and I, were sharing our story.
The Sunday Setlist today was:
- Not To Us – Chris Tomlin
- O Praise Him – David Crowder
- O Worship The King – Chris Tomlin Version
- Mighty To Save – Reuben Morgan (Response)
As you can see, we only had three songs (the 4th was in video form at the very end of the service)… because the sermon and our story took the majority of the service. I usually write about our sets and how the musical/technical portion of our services went in these Worship Confessionals, but today, it’s just MY CONFESSIONAL.
I want to encourage you guys to listen to the complete podcast of the sermon HERE on the Church at Bethany website , but we thought we would post JUST our portion here. It’s about 20 minutes, so get a drink and get comfortable:
Click here to listen to Our Story.
Though the majority of our support encouraged us and helped propel us forward to share our story, a couple of people tried to talk us out of it. We know that they were mostly worried for us and were trying to protect us, but in hindsight, we can see that it was Satan using them to try to keep us from sharing what he would have rather kept trapped in the dark. We say “in hindsight” because today was INCREDIBLY powerful. In fact, barely any of it was about us.
Yes, we shared OUR story of sin, forgiveness, hope and redemption… but what it really did, was allow people to realize the freedom they had in releasing their demons.
We discovered OUR story was not only OUR story, but so many others. We had a few couples tell us we basically just told THEIR story. I never thought God would use OUR story to help release others into the light… into HIS Truth.
Brian and I are SO glad we obeyed. We put our fear to the side, ignoring Satan’s whispers to hide. This morning was about SO much more than us.
God is in the business of restoration and healing.
Please continue to pray for our healing… and all those who stepped out of the darkness today. This is our “Once upon a time…”
Humbly in the Process of Restoration,
P.S. Yes… I still have my job as the Worship Pastor at Church at Bethany. They have graciously been walking Brian and me through our healing process.
Secrets
Brian and I were asked to share our story this coming Sunday at church.
Our story is dirty.
Our story is raw.
Our story is real.
Our story is STILL IN THE PROCESS.
God told us both separately this was where His next step in restoration was for us.
We both listened.
We’re both obeying.
I AM FREAKING OUT!!!
My friend, Crystal, wrote THIS POST today. And in all honesty… THIS is the life I feel I’m living.
I twittered this yesterday:
Zena Wozniak used to say this and it would crack me up. However, when you think deeper into it, this “cute” little kids saying holds a LOT of truth.
I felt (feel?) I needed to be quiet and keep secrets because that’s what my mother taught me as a child, “Don’t ever tell the outside world what’s going on IN the house.” Don’t get me wrong… some family things SHOULD stay just with the family. But what this “secrets” thing did was make me feel totally alone. I ended up creating my own beliefs:
I couldn’t trust anyone.
I couldn’t share my deepest hurts with anyone.
I couldn’t admit when I messed up.
No one really cares about me.
No one is safe… not even Jesus.
This type of thinking is not conducive to a marriage. It breaks a marriage down and makes it into something FAR different than what God intended for us.
My story will reveal this.
However… as we grow… we learn new things. Sometimes, the safest thing you CAN do is share with others. Sometimes the safest place is in the human barricade your community that will surround you. Your family SHOULD be your safe place, but unfortunately, in this sinful world, more times than not, it turns out the family is NOT the safest place.
Speaking of human barricade, our good friend, David, shared this verse with Brian and me last night.
“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” Matthew 23:27
It’s time for some housekeeping. Time to clean out the tomb and get rid of the things that are rotting inside. What Christ offers is LIFE. I don’t need a tomb for any secrets. All my secrets need to be brought to the light for me to experience TRUE freedom in Him.
In my new thinking… this is what I have found:
People CAN be trusted.
I CAN share my deepest hurts with people.
I CAN and NEED to say “I’m sorry”.
People DO care about me.
Brian IS safe… and so is Jesus.
Please pray for Brian and me the next few days leading up to Sunday. Satan is attacking HARD because he knows our obedience to Christ will bring God glory. Literally, the moment we decided we would do as God asked, “it” started to all hit the fan. We’re asking YOU to help be our barricade now. To pray and keep us safe till we’ve followed through with what HE has asked us to accomplish.
We covet your prayers!
Labor Day in La Grande Photos
I just realized I didn’t post the rest of our La Grande photos. So… here they are.
Most of them are from our trip to the playground.
8 Years…
Today is Brian and my 8 year anniversary.
Here’s a picture I took of us from the most recent 50 Pic Friday Challenge. It was the LAST one to mark my day… and it marked it perfectly.
I really can’t believe 8 years have gone by.
I also can’t believe how much my heart beats for this man.
Today, Chance said to me… “I think Daddy is really cool, Mommy. I love him a lot.” I asked Chance, “Why do you love Daddy?” His response, “Because Daddy has big hands and bigs arms to catch me when I’m falling.”
That’s my Brian.
What have I ever done to deserve a man as great as Brian?
Here is a man I’ve:
- taken for granted.
- I’ve chosen my work over (early in our marriage, especially).
- nagged on over the most ridiculous things.
- held my ugliest secret from till recently.
- hurt in the deepest, most unimaginable ways.
In response, this man has:
- taken me in.
- chosen me second only to God.
- listened to me anyway.
- held me and still loves me past my unloveable acts.
- forgiven me and STILL chooses to be with me everyday.
I am not worthy… but I am forever grateful. I never knew love could be like this. And in the most recent devastation in our lives, I am thankful that:
- when I roll over in the middle of the night, Brian is there… laying next to me, warm and breathing.
- when Chance says “I want my Daddy!” I can say, “Let me go get him downstairs.”
- I fit right into the nape of his neck.
- Even in the wake of our own crap, at least we GET TO have another day to work through it together.
- He can see and hear me tell him “I Love You!”
Brian, I am SO in love with you, it hurts. Our past 8 years have been great… but I can’t wait to live our next 80 years together.
You are my everything.
Jenni on Skype: jclayville 
