Do’s & Do Not’s
Since sharing our story of my affair, Brian and I have received bulldozer (we don’t have a bulldozer, so I don’t really know how big that is) amounts of emails, phone calls, and messages.
Some of the most encouraging emails we’ve received are from people who want to know HOW to prevent an affair. YES!!! This is the right question, because an affair is preventable if you are aware you’re not immune. I’ve replied to many emails already, but I thought I’d gather my thoughts a bit more linearly and post them here for dialogue.
You need to ask yourself how you’re doing in all these areas, and answer them honestly. I posted some of these questions over on this GUEST POST, but I thought I’d address “DO’s” and “DO NOT’s” in more detail here:
DO:
- Communicate: you need to talk to your spouse. Marriage isn’t a “happily ever after”… it’s a “once upon a time” so work it out. The reason God gave you YOUR spouse is to grow YOU in those specific areas. Communication isn’t one way… so if you’re the “talker” (like me) in the relationship, ask questions, shut up, and LISTEN. And most importantly… PRAY TOGETHER. Communicate with God TOGETHER.
- Have Sex: seriously… once a month (or year) is NOT going to do it. If you’re not connecting physically, that brings about insecurity. Insecurity does NOT belong in a marriage.
- Creatively Encourage: yes… your other needs to hear you say it. ”You should just know I love you” is NOT a good way to say “I love you”. And while you’re saying “I love you”, be creative with your words in WHY you love him/her. Make time in the day to text or call just to say what you appreciate about your spouse.
- Invest in Counseling: we all need a little bit of therapy! You cannot rightly say “It’s over!” if you haven’t tried everything. Yes, it costs money and yes, there’s a “stigma”. Who cares… it’s your MARRIAGE. We all enter into marriage with baggage. It is NOT fair to drop that on our spouse and say, “Your problem now!” Also, find good accountability. Find people that can tell you “no” or “you’re wrong” to your face.
- Plant a Hedge: we all have a “line” we don’t cross. I had it too… until I jumped over it and stayed there for awhile. Plant a BIG hedge in front of the line so even if you get bumped in that direction, you won’t cross that line. It probably wouldn’t hurt to plant a hedge around your marriage too. Here’s how…
DO NOT:
- Trash Talk: trashing your spouse in front of your friends is NOT ok. Do you realize you are the one who looks like an idiot when you do that? I mean, YOU’RE the one who married him/her. Also, sharing more information with someone other than your spouse is a HUGE red flag. The only thing worse is talking to them about your marriage. STOP and get out fast. You are swimming with sharks there, friend.
- Spend Alone Time with the Opposite Gender: No buts. I understand if there are business meetings that need to occur. Go to public places. Drive separately. Try to bring a third person. In a world of social media and emails, make sure your spouse has your passwords to everything. Make it impossible to hold any secrets from your spouse.
- Use Your Children: Yes… you. Don’t hide behind your children. Yes, your kids need you, but what they need most is to see Mom & Dad IN LOVE and working it out. It doesn’t hurt them to see you argue… but they NEED to see you resolve it. This also helps train them to deal with conflict in a healthy way when they’re older.
- Avoid Brokenness: this is where you’ll find your strength. This is where you find wholeness. It’s gonna hurt. BAD! But you’ll come out stronger in the end. Think Olympic athletes. They have to break down their bodies to become as strong as they are. Training is not comfortable.
- Withhold Forgiveness: bringing up the past when it’s already been addressed and dealt with is not going to help your marriage. I once heard someone say, “Not forgiving is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” It’s stupid. How do you move forward into the future if you’re clinging to the past. For some of you, the person you need to forgive the most is not your spouse… it’s you. Forgive.
I know many of you reading this may not have survived your marriage. I know many of you tried and did ALL you could, but it just didn’t work. I don’t even pretend to know that kind of devastation. I’m not necessarily speaking to you about any of this, but I will say there is something quite amazing about hope. I don’t know what that looks like in your life… but it’s there – as plain as the gray in my hair… it’s there.
We have no way of controlling our spouse. The only person you are accountable for is YOU. So, step up and DO what you need to do and DON’T do what’s going to hurt you.
“You’re Grounded!”
Chance got grounded for the first time ever today in his 4 years of life.
Usually, I just do time-outs or certain toys get “time-outs” if he can’t share. Well… today, he chose to ignore me when I asked him to pick up the toys he had pulled out. For those who KNOW my child, you’ll know he’s actually quite clean and tidy. He doesn’t usually play with more than 2 different toys at a time. For some reason, today, he emptied out the whole toy box AND toy shelf, as well as EVERY CONTAINER that held small toys.
Here’s what my family room usually looks like (with the bouncing kid):
And here’s what it looked like when I asked Chance to clean it:
What you don’t see are the two buckets of legos that spilled INTO the kitchen and dining area. It was ridiculous!
I gave him the option the FIFTH time I asked him (I usually give him three warnings MAX… I guess I was feeling gracious today) of me cleaning it up for him, but that would mean he would be grounded and not have access to his toys for the REST OF THE DAY. He said, “I want YOU to clean it up.”
Ok.
So… I grounded him from all his toys for the rest of the day. ALL HIS TOYS. Really… what was I thinking?
I think the hardest part for Chance was watching Paxton play with HIS toys and not being able to ask him not to. OUCH!
I finally gave Chance some hope. I said, “Honey, you can earn your toys back after your quiet time/nap if you really help Mommy out by doing some extra stuff to help out around the house.” He agreed. Chance asked me multiple times during the day if he could play with certain toys. I had to keep reminding him that he chose to be grounded. We definitely got to dialogue about disobedience and consequences. He was pretty much an angel the rest of the day.
We read.
We practiced writing our letters.
We colored.
We twirled.
We wrestled.
We counted to 100… 100 times.
We sang songs… and made some up with the word “poop” in it.
We baked chocolate coconut bars.
We cleaned up Paxton’s toys.
It was all going SO well… then right before dinner, Chance started playing a bit rough with Paxton. When I asked him to stop, he didn’t listen. He didn’t get a second warning. The negotiations were off the table.
Chance was mortified.
He apologized and BEGGED me change my mind, but it was too late. He made his decision by not obeying.
I reassured him that tomorrow is another day and he gets to start the day with all his toys. It’s up to him whether he chooses to keep that privilege or not.
How old were you/your kids when you/they first got grounded?
Paxton is 5 months!
My baby is 5 months old today.
This was the outfit Chance was dedicated in. I can’t seem to find a comparison picture. Oh well.
Pax is the sweetest little boy! He is always smiling and making these funny little expressions.
For a little guy that made me so sick during pregnancy, he sure is easy outside of the womb. My life is better because of him! I am so thankful Paxton is in my life.
All In A Week
As I posted recently, Paxton has been rolling all around.
At first, it was only back to front and he’d only roll to the left. Now, he’s rolling every which way and sort of scooting too. But he only scoots backwards… which is pretty normal so all is well.
In the last week, he’s really found his back muscles and can hold his head up for quite some time now.
Of course, Chance had to get in the picture too, once he noticed me with my camera out.
We also started rice cereal today. Well… we started on Saturday, but he didn’t like it much. So, I gave it a couple days and tried again this morning. Paxton LOVED it, and ate the whole little cup I prepared for him.
I’m so looking forward to him eating solids because that means he MIGHT sleep through the night now. I’m so ready for a straight 6 to 8 hours again.
Welcome to MY LIFE
This is what we’re dealing with today:
Welcome to my Life from Jenni Clayville on Vimeo.
Yep! Welcome to my life
What have you been doing today?
Message for Brian
Dear Husband…
While you were gone on your business trip to Lacey, Washington, your son decided to take a HUGE poopy in his pants.
In the process of taking his clothes off, the THREE little “goodies” ROLLED out of his boxer briefs onto the floor. GROSS!!! Good thing, it wasn’t on the carpet… because if it was, you would have come home and found me dead next to it from disgust… and not writing this post. Really… I think you can die from disgust.
ANYWAY… I had YOUR son, pick up these three rather large nuggets, but the biggest one broke while in transition and sort of “plopped” on the floor. I wanted to say “splattered” but, that’s not really what happened. We both shrieked. Chance was crying. I wanted to too.
Through his unstoppable tears, he somehow found a way to help me clean his “stuff” up. What a good boy!
We bleached the bejeebies out of the linoleum and Mr. Poop-His-Drawers hopped in the shower.
He took a long shower
Then… after his LONG LONG shower (I wonder where he gets that from), he left you this video message:
Dear Daddy from Jenni Clayville on Vimeo.
How any child can be so cute after doing something so disgusting baffles me.
Chart Schmart
Remember THIS post?… that led to THIS post?
Well… we’re on week four now. This was last weeks’ results:
There’s only ONE sticker in the “POOP IN TOILET” row all week. Yesterday, Brian caught him just before he pumped a grumpy in the bathtub. Chance got this panicked look on his face and stopped moving. Brian had to grab the closest thing to him to catch the poopy. Guess what it was!
PAXTON’S BABY BATHTUB!
Apparently, NOTHING is sacred in this house. Gross!!!
Before I get a million emails of what I need to do, let me clarify.
- Chance IS potty trained.
- He doesn’t wear a pull-up during the day.
- He doesn’t wear a pull-up during his nap.
- He wears one to bed and only wakes up wet in the morning if we gave him too much water the evening before.
- He goes to the potty himself. Even flushes and washes his hands.
- He knows when he needs to poop.
- He’ll poop in a diaper on command.
- HE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO POOP IN THE TOILET.
With that said… I need help!!! What am I doing wrong?
Paxton’s FIRST
Tonight, at 8:57pm, Paxton laughed for the first time.
I yelled for Brian to come check it out. It startled Pax, but it didn’t stop him from giggling.
I was nuzzling his neck and singing “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” to him while using his arms to “do the motions” when his sweet little burst of laughter came flooding out of his happy face.
It wasn’t his usual cough-like sound. It was a real laugh. I was so excited.
He’s starting to get pretty pudgy too… which is the best part of nuzzling babies.
Just for kicks… here’s an APPROPRIATE bath picture. Check out that belly:
He’s rounding out nicely. He’s almost ready for me to gobble him up!
Week One of “The Chart”
I posted our new CHART adventure last week. I was hopeful… but here are the results:
Yeah… check out the “poopy in toilet” row. NO STICKERS!!!
Seriously, people… he LOVES the stickers and looks forward to sticking them on at the end of the day, but he still isn’t working for the poop.
He already lost his poopy sticker for today, even. He cried and cried and cried for a diaper as I was putting him down for his quiet time. Finally, I told him today was the LAST day he’d get a diaper during the day. Diapers at night time only from tomorrow on. He said, “ok”.
Then he dropped a deuce… in the diaper. NAST!!! As I was cleaning him up, I brought the soiled wipe up to his face to sniff. He said, “Mommy… that’s yucky!” And I said, “I know… next time you poopy in your pants, you have to clean it yourself because it’s not very nice to make Mommy do it when I know you can poopy in the toilet.”
I’m hoping the smell of poop next to his face left a lasting impression for him.
We’re gonna keep going on the chart for a few more weeks. Mostly because I already bought the posterboard and stickers.
Chance’s Prayer
I think we’re getting closer and closer to Chance praying THE PRAYER.
Tonight, before bed (at my Mom’s house in Seattle), I told him the story of how young David slayed Goliath because he allowed God to do BIG things through his little body.
After the story, Chance and I had this conversation:
Chance: ”Did little David kill the bad giant because God helped him?”
Me: ”Yes, but what’s even better is God chose to use little David for His BIG plan. See, Chance, even though you are little, you can do really BIG things for God if you ask for His help.”
CH: ”Yes… I think I want to ask God to help me do BIG things.”
Me: ”You know what, Chance?”
CH: ”What???”
Me: ”Mommy believes that God is going to do some really incredible things through you in your lifetime.”
CH: ”You do???”
Me: ”Yes!”
*** PAUSE ***
CH: ”Mommy… I believe that too.”
That was a good INCREDIBLE moment in my life. I will NEVER forget it.
Drastic Times…
… lead to drastic measures.
Chance seems to have “outgrown” his naptimes. But Mama needs some “pull-it-together” time everyday. So, we’ve compromised to having “QUIET TIMES”. Sometimes, he falls asleep… but usually not.
This is what we usually get:
Here’s a close-up of the situation:
Yeah. He’s quiet… but NOT in his room. He likes spying on me.
The other situation is his “poopy” habits. He CAN and HAS gone poopy in the toilet, but he’d RATHER go in a diaper during his quiet time. Go ahead and judge me. It’s ok. I don’t know you’re doing it anyway.
So, yesterday… my mother-in-law says,
“Why don’t you start a sticker chart? I did that for Kevin (Brian’s older brother) when he was little and it worked really well!”
Chance likes stickers… and he LOVES to be praised for doing something well.
She’s BRILLIANT.
Off to Target for posterboard and stickers.
Sorry for the not-so-great quality picture of the chart. I was lazy and took it with my iPhone.
Since it’s Tuesday today, Monday doesn’t count for the week. It’s only fair.
Let’s see how this goes.
Parenting Flaw?
So, I teach lessons all afternoon on Thursdays which usually works well because that’s when Chance naps.
However, after my first lesson today, Chance was still awake (probably because of the gigantic poop in his pull-up… GROSS!).
Here was our conversation after I changed his pants:
Chance: Mommy… I’m awake now. No more nap.
Me: Oh no, honey… you’ve only been up here for an hour and I know you haven’t slept.
Chance: But I’m awake. No nap. Please!
Me: I need you to sleep because you’ll be grumpy later if you don’t.
Chance: *tears starting* I’m not grumpy. I’m awake.
Me: Mommy still has lessons to teach. You need to sleep.
Chance: *tears*
Me: If I give you some Veggie Chips and water, will you go to sleep afterwards?
Chance: *tears stop* Yes.
So, that’s what I did. A small cup of chips and sippy of water helps me get on with my day.
I can hear him crunching away in his room right now.
What have you resorted to in order to get your child to nap???
Jenni on Skype: jclayville 
