I just saw some previews for our episode tonight.
You can view one of our online exclusives:
And the tv trailers:
Here’s one…
And the other one that we share with Audrey & Bob…
Just watching myself in these previews already makes me uncomfortable in my own skin. But I’m trusting God to do what He wants with our story.
OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network), channel 256, 9/8pm central.
My hero in all of this (other than Jesus) is my amazing husband, Brian.
I don’t even have words to express how grateful and blessed I feel to have him in my life. Brian’s an amazing father… and an even more amazing husband now that we’ve worked through (and will continue to work through) one of the roughest patches I believe we’ll ever need to work through.
He’s grown into an amazingly bold spiritual leader. Not only for our family, but for the community in which we are a part of. I believe every morning he sets his foot on the ground, satan utters expletives. I’m ok with that… because he should. Brian is a force to be reckoned with. Not because he’s a super public speaker or because he’s a blogger (in fact, he neglects his blogs… often), but because he listens, obeys and SPEAKS God’s words without falter or apologies.
He is a MAN among men. He is MY man!
In this post, Brian speaks directly to the hurt party. He speaks well… and I believe there is no better speaker on this matter.
Listen up, soak it in, chime in…
Brian’s Blog: www.brianclayville.com
Brian’s Twitter: @brianclayville
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When you have been wronged, how do you forgive?
Do you have to forgive?
Is it just something you say or is there real action behind it?
How do you know when it is real?
I won’t pretend to be an expert in this matter, but I WILL share my own experience in my processing these questions.
When Jenni told me about her affair I almost instantly wanted to say “I forgive you”. There are a few reasons I wanted to jump to forgiveness right away without even processing what I had just learned.
1. I am a non-confrontational person by nature.
2. It would be a lot less painful in the short term to bury this and move on.
3. I could go on being “the nice guy” and get accolades from my Christian homeys.
4. It would keep my family together so my kids would have both parents in one home.
However, I intentionally chose NOT to say the words, “I forgive you” too hastily even though I was tempted to.
Deep down I knew it was a lie if I just said it without grieving my loss and processing my pain. I knew that God had work to do in me, in Jenni and especially in our marriage. There was no way for me to know what would happen during this process of unpacking the destruction of our marriage. I chose to take it one day at a time and trust God to help me make right decisions along the way.
In all honesty, I did NOT make all the right decisions along the way, but I DID make some vital decision correctly.
I’ve never been one to hold grudges. As I think back on my life, I’ve never found myself to be offended by anyone in a deep way. It has always been easy for me to forgive people. It was easy for me to say, “forgiveness is required of Christians because of the forgiveness we’ve received from Jesus”. But, now I was in a real world situation where I had really been hurt. I had the opportunity to practice my belief.
What should I do?
Let’s back up for a minute.
I learned of Jenni’s affair around the end of April in 2009. We began counseling in May and worked hard for the next three months. Our goals were to figure out:
* if we could stay married
* why we ended up in such a messy situation
* what we needed to do to prevent anything like this ever happening to us again.
After three months of roller coaster emotions, good conversations and arguing, connecting and mourning. We discovered a lot of good but I was getting really raw emotionally. Exhausted. I began to withdraw. I began to feel sorry for myself and do everything I could to numb the pain. After a month or so of hiding emotionally, I connected with my friend, Chad Markley. He challenged me. I responded. Over the next couple months, Jen and my greatest progress was made.
One day, in August of 2009, during my quiet time with God… He spoke to me about forgiveness. He made it clear that He had forgiven me for so much and that He would continue to forgive me for future mistakes. I desired to be free of bitterness toward Jenni and to not let our past have any power over me. It became clear to me that forgiveness meant no strings, no reminders, no bitterness, and no grudge.
Forgiveness = Freedom!
I made a decision at that moment. I drove straight home and told Jenni what I had done. It was exhilarating and freeing. By far the best decision I have ever made in my married life. But the story doesn’t end here.
With this new found freedom in forgiveness through the power of Christ. I knew I had no authority to ever bring up the affair in a fight to gain emotional power over Jenni. I did not get to make excuses for my behavior because of her past mistake. I had chosen to leave this behind forever as if it never happened. Not to pretend it never happened but to love Jenni and treat her as if it never happened.
Satan has tried to dig it up old feelings and get me worked up at times, but I have been able to turn these thoughts toward Him, the higher power, and ask Him to give me the strength to honor my decision to forgive and move forward. The actual affair has no emotional power over me. I hold no bitterness towards Jenni. I made the decision, but God has DEFINITELY walked with me through all of this… because I asked Him to.
When I first confessed my affair with some of my friends, my good friend, Tam, sent me to Cindy’s blogsite.
After reading her whole story and seeing it from the other perspective, I mourned. I mourned not only what I had done, but what I had done to the other family. But Cindy gave me hope. Through Cindy’s words, I began to believe that even GOD could restore my situation: my marriage, my family, the other family, my LIFE. And not only RESTORE, but bring everything to an even better place than they once were.
At the time, that was the only hope I could hold on to… and today, it has become my reality.
I can honestly say that without this first little glimpse from Cindy, I wouldn’t know where to keep my eye on the “prize”.
I’d encourage you to read Cindy’s story of grace, TRUE forgiveness, and redemption.
Cindy’s Blog: www.cindybeall.com
Cindy’s Twitter: @cindybeall
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“I don’t think I could ever get over that.”
It’s the phrase I hear from people all the time when I tell them about my journey through infidelity with my husband, Chris. And I guess I can see where they are coming from when I look back on the last 8 ½ years and remember what we’ve overcome:
My pastor husband confesses multiple affairs to me in February, 2002, shares that his “acting out” stems from his 20+ years of addiction to pornography, that he’s fathered a child with one of the women, resignation from our church position at LifeChurch.tv where our story was shared with our entire congregation, struggling financial situation, loss of friendships, loss of dignity, loss of ministry, beginning to walk the road of restoration with vulnerability, humility and a willingness to do whatever it takes to make it work, welcoming a baby into the world, being restored to the staff of LifeChurch.tv 18 months later, sharing our story publicly for the purpose of redemption and hope, inviting a baby and his mother into our world, having a stronger, healthier marriage than we ever imagined, pitching our story to publishers for years, landing a book contract with Harvest House Publishers to share said story of hope that will release on July 11, 2011 and having two hearts that are full of gratitude for all that God has done through this horrifically, wonderful situation.
I didn’t know he was being unfaithful but once he confessed, things started to make sense. While I felt like I was a good wife, I knew there were things that I did to contribute to the whole mess. (And no, I didn’t withhold myself from my husband in any way, if that is what you are thinking.) What I did do is coddle him, protect him, and even enable him in his path of destruction by making no attempts to confront behavior that was just plain “off”. I had no idea at the time that maybe, just maybe I could have done something, said something to him that might have changed things. I guess I’ll always second-guess the whole thing.
We often say that the good news isn’t always that good until you know what the bad news is. The bad was really bad. I will not lie to you. But the good? The good of this story is so remarkable. It has nothing to do with me or my husband, but everything to do with a redeeming, loving, powerful God who called us to trust Him in the midst of our pain so that others, who would walk the road of infidelity, might find hope. A hope and a future (Jer. 29:11).
Remembering all we’ve been through, especially as I’m in the midst of writing my manuscript, does make me stand in awe of the whole thing. In awe of what we endured, what we learned, how we saw the body of Christ respond, but mostly in awe of the redeeming power of our miracle-producing God. Because the simple truth is this: Without Him, we would have been floundering in our pain, bitterness and addiction and probably would have never survived any of it.
My stepson spent five weeks with us this summer and the night before he left, he sat on my lap and cried because he was going to miss us. My heart ached then and the entire trip back the next day to return him to his mother. As we were about to leave him and head back home, we all gave our rounds of hugs. Even his mother and I. We’ve grown to truly love one another through all of this and work really hard to make the life of a little boy full of love.
So when I hear “I don’t think I could ever get over that” or “I don’t think I could ever go through that”, I just smile. Because the truth of the matter is that I never would have imagined it either.
But then God.
Jesus looked at them and said,
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
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Is there anything in your life you THINK you can’t get over?
We heard from Justin earlier today, but my favorite Davis is Trisha. 
Trish was one of the first three people I told about my affair. In the midst of it all, she never abandoned me… and kept reminding me that neither did God.
When she said she was praying for me… I knew SHE WAS PRAYING. She was constant with checking in and speaking grace over me. She was the EXACT friend I needed at that EXACT time.
In this post, Trish takes us back to that day she realized her life as she had known it was over. She even gives us a glimpse of her personal journal entry here. And the love and forgiveness that spills out in her re-living that moment makes me want to live a more faithful and trusting life with my Savior. I have such a long way to go… but I am so thankful for a friend like Trish who lovingly reminds me of Who’s REALLY in control.
Trish’s Blog: www.refineourmarriage.com
Trish’s Twitter: @trishadavis23
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October 9, 2005 the morning began with a beautiful sunrise. I had woken-up at 4:30AM knowing I had to be at church by 6:30AM for rehearsal. Two hours and a brand new outfit was surely what I needed to make myself beautiful. I thought to myself “If I make myself as beautiful as possible then I know he will choose me.”
Church began and I found myself on a stage singing words like “How great is our God.” It was all I could do to lead and not run off the stage in tears. Then Justin spoke. He was sick and losing his voice and I remember him speaking as if all was well. Then it was time for that last song. I’m not sure if I sang it with a heart of desperation or just complete numbness. It was a song by Joy Williams Called “Hide” here are the lyrics:
To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they’re not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don’t have to hide
You don’t have to hide anymore
You don’t have to face this on your own
You don’t have to hide anymoreSo come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who’s tryin’ to cover up their scars
To anyone who’s ever made a big mistake
We’ve all been there, so don’t be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You’ve been alone for way too longAnd if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
‘Cause He knows where you are, where you’ve been
His scars will heal you if you let Him
As soon as I was done I scooped-up my three boys then ages 2,6 & 9 and raced home. Exhausted from the morning I decided to take a nap in my bed with my little guy. An hour had past and I awoke to a frantic Justin yelling at me to get-up. I was a bit disoriented as he kept repeating, “I’m not in love with you, I’m not in love with you.” Then his next words would change my life forever… “I’m having an affair…with your best friend.”
Have you ever watched one of those 20/20’s about a person who should have seen all the signs and didn’t. You’re so frustrated that you’re yelling at the TV “why won’t you run?” That was me. All the signs were there and instead of confronting I tried to woo him back (from what I didn’t know). I just needed to try. It was like I knew it was happening but deep down I just had to be wrong! For my children… I had to be wrong… for my church family….
I. HAD. TO. BE. WRONG.
Within 24 hours I had lost my husband, my best friend, and my church family. I had to sit my children down and tell them “Daddy isn’t coming home.” I went upstairs to our room and packed every ounce of Justin’s clothing smelling and clinging to each piece before I packed it away. Within 24 hours I lost the life I had always known.
Two days later, I went to the only place I knew and this is what I prayed.
I’m being very vulnerable here. This is NOT FOR SHOCK factor. In fact, I just got this post to Jenni at the last minute because I just didn’t know if I could share it. But I couldn’t stop thinking about
YOU
YOU hurting, broken and shattered looking for hope!
YOU whose been reading our blog and want to package our story thinking God did this for us but he won’t for you.
YOU the “Cheater” who feels like there is no hope for healing and restoration because of how badly you’ve messed-up
Mark 10:27 (New Living Translation)
27 Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God.”
Today I pray you find hope that Jesus is as real as my story and commit to reading his word and daily giving your wounds to Him. I can’t promise that your marriage will be saved but I can promise that He will do the impossible in you… Heal.
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Continued from yesterday of the Top FIVE most asked questions about the restoration of my friendship to “Jane” (the wife of the man I had an affair with).
Yesterday, I answered:
1. How did you tell her?
2. Is it necessary for me to tell “Jane”?
To find my responses, CLICK HERE.
Now, for the rest…
3. IS YOUR FRIENDSHIP RESTORED TO HOW IT WAS BEFORE?
Has she forgiven me? Yes.
Are we friends? Yes.
Is it like before? No.
I had to do a lot of work for awhile. I had to answer a lot of her questions about certain timelines. She didn’t think of all these questions during our first call due to shock… so I HAD to give her this time. Again… very important. Do not share in details… but in CATEGORIES (as my friend, Ang, says)! There were questions she asked that I told her would be a question she needed to ask Joe if she really wanted to know. My true desire for them was restoration as well… and sharing details that SHOULD come from the spouse won’t help them.
When she came “home”… I MADE sure we had a face-to-face meeting. I was expecting her to slap me when she saw me… but she never did. She hugged me instead.
4. DO YOU TWO HANG OUT ALL THE TIME AGAIN?
No.
Though we HAVE spent some time together, restoration in THIS specific friendship means we don’t hang out 24/7. Unlike Brian & my marriage, Joe & Jane’s marriage doesn’t look like it’s gonna make it…. so when Jane & I used to spend more time together, it only enhanced the hurt of differences… for both of us. Though she was VERY happy that Brian and I were choosing to work through it, it was in her face that she was facing the end of her marriage. And though I love her greatly, the last thing I needed to hear was every detail of divorce proceedings and what Joe was up to.
She needed “THAT” friend to spill these things to… but it couldn’t be me. I wasn’t equipped… nor am I the appropriate friend for what she needed and deserved.
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT STILL BEING IN CONTACT WITH JOE?
I don’t.
We are no longer in contact. We haven’t been since I’ve talked to Jane.
First: if you want your marriage to heal… you CANNOT still be in contact with the sin that BROKE your marriage. I’m not saying that Joe broke your marriage, because it takes two to tango… so you need to own up to your part. However… if you “stay friends” it will NEVER work. You must cut all ties.
Second: if you want to have a truly restored relationship with Jane, you MUST leave her marriage alone. Why would you stay in contact with him if you’re really interested in making things right with her? It doesn’t matter if her marriage is ending or not… you’ve done enough. Many of you have mentioned that you feel like you’re stuck in the middle of their feuding. It’s not your job to fix her marriage or make things right in THAT department. So, remove yourself from the middle.
Walk away. Delete all his contact info. No “and’s”, “if’s” or “but’s”. And if he calls you…
… LET YOUR HUSBAND ANSWER THE PHONE.
I’ve received multiple emails/questions regarding my restored friendship with the wife of the man I had an affair with. Let’s call her “Jane” and him “Joe” for generics sake.
Jane and I were good friends before the affair… and even during (how horrible was I? I know!).
I understand it’s rare to not only survive an affair within a marriage, but to survive a friendship with the significant other you cheated with. There’s no “How To” book… because the reality is “I Shouldn’t Have” but somehow, God gave her forgiveness towards me.
For that, I am BEYOND thankful.
At this point, I’ve probably written responses to over 200 emails about this specific subject, so it seems obvious that this is a topic of interest, but one that’s rarely talked about. I thought I’d address the five most asked questions here. I’m going to break it up into two days… so it’s kind of a mini-series.
** Note: my answers to these questions are solely my opinion, what I’ve done and what I would maybe do differently in my specific circumstance.
So… here are questions 1 & 2:
1. HOW DID YOU TELL HER?
I called her. She was the first person I called after I told Brian & my Pastor. I would have done a face-to-face if we were in the same city, but at that time, it just wasn’t possible. Jane deserved real person contact because we were real life friends. Your situation may be different. If you didn’t actually KNOW the significant other, my thought is you STILL need to tell her… but I’d start with an email.
When I called, I asked if she had a free hour. It’s not fair to drop a bomb like this if she’s JUST about to go out to her kids field trip, ya know? She said she was free right then. And I just said, “I need to tell you something really horrible… so are you sitting down?” After I was certain she was seated, I told her what I had done and I apologized… the best as I could.
If the person you are telling is about to head out to do something important, make an “appointment” for a follow-up time to talk. Otherwise, you may chicken out.
2. IS IT NECESSARY FOR ME TO TELL “JANE”?
Not as important as it is to tell your spouse…
But, my opinion? YES! Other people’s answers may vary… but the “golden rule” is to treat others the way you want to be treated. Most people would want to know if this was going on in their marriage. If you truly want to repent and make things right, you NEED to bring it to the light. It wasn’t my job to worry about what happened to their marriage… but it WAS my job to offer the *appropriate* information. I say “appropriate” because there is NO reason for you to give her DETAILS. Speak in categories… not details.
I would also add this: if your motive to telling her is to get back at him… then you’re not ready to tell her… and you’re not really repentant and open for change. If this is the case, I would encourage you to invest in counseling and NOT contact your “Jane” at all until you can honestly say you want the best for them. You will only cause more damage… and that is not in the best interest of ANYONE, including yourself.
… so hold your horses!
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