Wait… actually… I have no idea WHEN they divorced.  The accurate statement would be… the announcement of the divorce happened when I was seven.

My childhood before seven was somewhat innocently happy.  I remember Dad teaching me how to play “cat’s cradle“ and Mom bringing home the most amazing birthday cakes.   But what’s interesting is, I don’t remember much of anything about my family life between the ages of seven and twelve.  I have NO MEMORIES of home life in that 5 year life span.

Uh… therapy anyone? Yeah… don’t worry… I’m on that like a fat kid on a box of ding-dongs.

Let’s back up a bit: The day my mother told us they were divorcing, I remember feeling EXTREMELY confused.

I was old enough to know what “divorce” meant, but I never heard OR saw my parents fight.  Heck… I barely remembered ever seeing them talk.  I never thought the divorce was my fault, but I didn’t know WHY they needed a divorce since everything seemed “fine”.  What confused me even more was why my Mom pulled us three girls into my bedroom to tell us ALONE when my Dad was sitting right in the living room watching football.  ”Isn’t this something they should be doing together?” I kept asking myself.

It felt like an hour had passed in that room.  I didn’t hear a thing that was said.  I remember my sister, Renee, crying and my baby sister, Helen, crawling all over the place.  That baby had no clue our world was about to drastically change.  All I wanted to do was get OUT of that room and jump into my Dad’s lap.

Once the “meeting” was over… I did just that.

My sister, Renee, and I ran and jumped into my Dad’s lap.  I remember Renee asking him,

“Why, Daddy?… WHY?  Why are you leaving us?”

Then I heard the words I would never forget:

“Because this is what your Mom wants.”

Then, the unimaginable happened.  My Dad broke down and cried…

I had NEVER seen my Dad cry. NEVER…

in the center of the couch of our family room…
with football television as a faint background noise…
we sat…
weeping…
in my father’s lap for the very last time.

Something inside me died that day.

At age seven, sitting there for the last time ever in my Daddy’s lap, I made my first lifetime decision:

I was NEVER going to let anyone make decisions like this for me.
NO ONE would ever make me cry again.

And this ONE single decision ruled my life for the next 23 years…

(… to be continued…)

Our story is dirty.
Our story is raw.
Our story is real.
Our story is STILL IN THE PROCESS.

God told us both separately this was where His next step in restoration was for us.
We both listened.
We’re both obeying.
I AM FREAKING OUT!!!

My friend, Crystal, wrote THIS POST today.  And in all honesty… THIS is the life I feel I’m living.

I twittered this yesterday:

Zena Wozniak used to say this and it would crack me up.  However, when you think deeper into it, this “cute” little kids saying holds  a LOT of truth.

I felt (feel?) I needed to be quiet and keep secrets because that’s what my mother taught me as a child, “Don’t ever tell the outside world what’s going on IN the house.”  Don’t get me wrong… some family things SHOULD stay just with the family.  But what this “secrets” thing did was make me feel totally alone. I ended up creating my own beliefs:

I couldn’t trust anyone.
I couldn’t share my deepest hurts with anyone.
I couldn’t admit when I messed up.
No one really cares about me.
No one is safe… not even Jesus.

This type of thinking is not conducive to a marriage. It breaks a marriage down and makes it into something FAR different than what God intended for us.

My story will reveal this.

However… as we grow… we learn new things. Sometimes, the safest thing you CAN do is share with others.  Sometimes the safest place is in the human barricade your community that will surround you.  Your family SHOULD be your safe place, but unfortunately, in this sinful world, more times than not, it turns out the family is NOT the safest place.

Speaking of human barricade, our good friend, David, shared this verse with Brian and me last night.

“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” Matthew 23:27

It’s time for some housekeeping. Time to clean out the tomb and get rid of the things that are rotting inside.  What Christ offers is LIFE.  I don’t need a tomb for any secrets.  All my secrets need to be brought to the light for me to experience TRUE freedom in Him.

In my new thinking… this is what I have found:

People CAN be trusted.
I CAN share my deepest hurts with people.
I CAN and NEED to say “I’m sorry”.
People DO care about me.
Brian IS safe… and so is Jesus.

Please pray for Brian and me the next few days leading up to Sunday. Satan is attacking HARD because he knows our obedience to Christ will bring God glory. Literally, the moment we decided we would do as God asked, “it” started to all hit the fan. We’re asking YOU to help be our barricade now. To pray and keep us safe till we’ve followed through with what HE has asked us to accomplish.

We covet your prayers!