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The Crown

November 30, 2010 in Adultery, Faith, Family, Home, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 25 Comments

Our beloved Christmas Angel was brutally de-crowned by our 2-year old this year.

She’s been with us for TEN years… since Brian and my first Christmas together.

Dear Christmas Angel… thanks for all the good times. For watching over us and keeping us *somewhat* safe all these years. But it was obvious it was time for you to go back to worshiping God in Heaven. We replaced you with a unbreakable $12 star. It’s not the same, but it’ll last us through the next few toddler years. We’ll miss you. ~ Love, Brian & Jenni

Christmas is my favorite holiday. Everything about it sings “JOY”. But in all honesty… it’s a mixed bag for me.

I celebrate and practice new traditions we have created as a family unit. I love watching my boys eyes light up at the sight of the Christmas tree. I love listening to my husband talk to my boys about the TRUE reason for this season. I am delighted at what we, as a family, have become. I soak in the blessing of being a wife to an amazingly loving and handsome man and a mother to two very smart and vivacious boys.

So how is it possible to be sad in those same moments?

I’m saddened that my mother has chosen not to be a part of our lives. I mourn the lost Christmases of my childhood… what it COULD have been. I remember and regret the 3 Christmases I stole from my husband and first-born son in my narcissistic selfishness. I feel the loss of friends that are no longer friends because they believe I don’t deserve grace or second chances.

I think feeling both good and bad is actually good. We have to know we are only getting filled to be emptied again. I’m still working on recognizing that consistently. What’s good in all this reflection is that in my very real and fleshly confliction, I’m reminded that I am exactly WHY God sent Jesus here so many years ago. JESUS, the manger King, who came to save and reclaim the lost. He came for YOU AND ME.

The people Jesus rebuked were not “those people” we don’t want to be associated with. The ones my Jesus rebuked were the Pharisaical judgers, the ones who claimed there’s only enough Heavenly real estate for the law followers. Do not be worried about what THOSE people think of you, my friend, because they will lose their crowns soon enough (just like my poor angel).

But in this season, dine with who Jesus dined with: prostitutes, the sick, the homeless, the lonely, the adulterers/adulteresses, the thieves, the poor, the forgotten, the broken… the repentant sinner. Because this is where you will reclaim your crown.

Stepping off the soapbox now.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of you!!!
… even to you Pharisees.

Lies

May 7, 2010 in Faith, Life Experience with 13 Comments

Lies.

I can’t stand them.
Even if it flies over everyone elses head.
I hear them.
It’s like a siren in the dead of night.
I know why I am so sensitive to them.
Why I can’t stand them.
Because I lied for so long.
Takes one to know one.
When you lie to me… to them…
… I see myself in you.
I hate that.
Not you. Myself.
The desire to fit in.
The longing to be understood.
Pleading to be loved.
I get it… but lies hurt.
Lies are self-serving.
Lies hurt the ones you’ve been lying to.
Lies hurt the ones that KNOW the ones you’re lying to.
It’s a wave effect.
Once it gets started, you can’t stop it.
You don’t even notice anymore that everyone knows.
Lies hurt people.
But mostly… lies just hurt the liar.

It destroys…
… something you can never get back.

But while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

You don’t have to be a liar.
You can stop.
Life CAN be restored to something better than you ever knew.
Better than anything you’ve ever created for yourself.
Better than anything you could ever dream up.

It’s time.
Are you who you wanna be?

Abandoned

October 28, 2009 in Faith, Friends, Life Experience, Ministry with 39 Comments

Loneliness hits at the strangest time.

Yesterday, I got to hang out with Amber Isborn because our kids had a playdate during the day, then in the evening, I went to the Blazer’s opening game with Cindy Payne. The night before, I got to have a spa date with Angela Lawton. I actually don’t ever go out two nights in a row like this and rarely even go out twice in a week.

You see, I prayed for girlfriends. I have mourned the loss of many friends so now I’m not only investing in the girlfriends I already have, but I’m making new ones. God is blessing me. It’s like I have girlfriends coming out of the woodworks.

So, why do I feel so lonely?

This is what I discovered: I’m mourning the loss of friends from my past 8 years.

Some of my closest friends I bonded with most were from my old church. We worked together, we spent every day together, we shared life together… FRIENDS. But, when I left that church, it felt as if I was ex-communicated immediately by many. It was almost as if I was no longer someone they needed to invest time in because I no longer had anything to offer them. I could no longer help meet their need, so the “friendship” was over too. I’m not saying this is what REALLY happened… I’m just saying this is how it FELT to me.

Then, I came out with my secret. I know “they” know. ”They”… the one’s I didn’t actually tell face-to-face because the rumor mill beat me to it… but save TWO friends, “they” never called.

Don’t get me wrong. I am certain I still have many friends from that church. In fact, some have walked me through the last eight months and prayed us through our hardest times. I will FOREVER be grateful for them. What I am merely saying is this: I am overwhelmingly sad to have spent so many years serving with people who no longer nod at my existence. Sad.

So… here are my thoughts:

I am someone who most recognize.
I was on the platform.
I was on staff… oversaw a ministry.
I was usually surrounded by people, friends, acquaintances.
I’m outgoing and PLUGGED into the church.
I’m pretty foundationally secure in my faith.

However… when my world fell apart, I felt abandoned… outcasted… gossiped about… forgotten by the church I spent 8 years at.

WHAT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE?

What about the unrecognized?
The quiet church-goer?
The silent servant volunteer?
The lonely “un-friendable”?
The reserved and unplugged?
The foundationally insecure… the roamer?

What about them?

This is not about me. This isn’t about “that” church. This is about the UNchurched… the hurting… the alone… the SINNER… like you and me. This is about them. This is about what WE are doing for THEM.

⁴⁰“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ ⁴¹“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴²For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ ⁴⁴“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ ⁴⁵“He will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

~ Matthew 25:40-45

Come on, Church… it’s time to step up when the times get tough.

So, what are YOU gonna do?

David Goodwin: Stereotyped?

October 20, 2009 in Faith, Friends, Guest Bloggers, Ministry with 68 Comments

Today’s post was written by my friend, David Goodwin.

David and his wife, Diane, are a part of my LifeGroup Online group. We’ve been meeting for over a year now and I can honestly say that David & Diane are a couple we have not only come to love deeply, but trust fully.

Just like me, David is the Worship Director at his church in Australia and better yet, sang in a barbershop quartet in high school. For those of you who don’t know… I did too.

David and Diane are not fair-weathered friends. They are faithful, constant, loving, merciful, strong, brave, gracious and forgiving. All the things I work towards being more of.

They have stood firmly in God’s word, encouraging and supporting me often but have also called me out in truth when needed. These two are my prayer warriors. I believe they are this way because they THEMSELVES have weathered the storm… many times.

Read these wise, grace-filled words… and take it to heart.

Without further adieu, please welcome… DAVID GOODWIN.

—————————–

I don’t talk about it. With anyone. Ever.

That’s mainly because I don’t think I want the consequences I think will come from talking about it. But I don’t know if those consequences are real or imagined. It’s not as though no-one knows, and a large percentage of people I meet assume what I’m about to say anyway, despite the factual evidence to the contrary.

However…

For most of my life, I was gay.

Or rather, I believed the lie that I was gay and nothing could be done about it.

That’s the first time I’ve ever written those words.

And I’m not making a song and dance about it (maybe I should…using “Single Ladies“ and the cast of Glee), but it’s a large part of my life testimony that’s essentially been torn out of the story book.

Until now.

Don’t misunderstand me, this is my past, not my future. My former self, not my current self. Who I was, not who I am.

While I was gay…

I didn’t fully embrace the lifestyle, though I had opportunity…and wanted to.
I didn’t cut off from my Christian family, though I moved far from them, partly for fear of rejection.
I didn’t leave church physically, though I did emotionally and spiritually.
I didn’t stop being a Christian. Sin doesn’t revoke salvation.

What I did do was allow spiritual oppression to come upon me. That’s OK. We all do that from time to time.

It’s not right, but it’s OK. (thanks Whitney…)

Wait. Isn’t homosexuality genetic? Well, despite this video clearly explaining from 1m40s onward that the Greeks invented gayness (ironic comedy people), the consensus on homosexuality is as clear as the science on evolution, but I’m not here to debate.

I’m just filling in some lifestory gaps.

I’ve always been camp. It’s who I was, who I still am, there’s nothing wrong with that. But for years, I let the lifestyle the world stereotypically associates with male sensitivity/creativity/propensity-to-break-out-in-Broadway-musicals-in-supermarkets override my God-given destiny.

And I knew something was wrong. That’s why I never went all in. The Holy Spirit within me kept nudging. Only I didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t have the knowledge I needed to understand this condition wasn’t “just the way it is”.

So I accepted a lie. A miserable, debauched lie. satan was having his way with me.

But God, in His grace and mercy, set people across my path who opened my eyes to battles taking place in the spiritual realm affecting our physical lives. All gleaned from Scripture, but I’d never seen it before. It all made sense.

How could I have been so blind?

(Yeah, dumb question in hindsight. satan’s aim is to find ways of blindfolding us from the Light. he’s good at it)

Armed with new knowledge (and fresh revelation of past experiences…like the time I was protected by a visible angel…another story…), I went into battle. With help from friends new and old, satan lost yet another fight. He didn’t go down quietly – he never does – but that’s why the weapons God gives us for warfare are strong and mighty for breaking down strongholds.

The mind-games satan played on me involved stereotypes. he uses these seemingly innocuous casts to convince us that you can’t break the mold.

So he tries all sorts of crap…

you can’t be a straight man and understand the difference between stilettos and pumps.
you can’t desire a woman and be interested in why she prefers Napoleon Perdis over M.A.C.
and you can’t be a heterosexual male and not only understand what these books are saying, but also how to implement the advice therein for the greater good.

Except you can, and even though society is more accepting of the concept that being metrosexual and heterosexual can be mutually inclusive, what society accepts doesn’t matter.

It’s all about God. And I don’t want it any other way. He’s jealous, He loves me, and I love Him. I’m choosing the destiny He’s mapped out for me, often against the will of my flesh. Even though I don’t have the same battles as my former self, life presents new conflicts of will. In every instance, I want to be sure I choose Life over life.

After this battle was won He was able to set me on an entirely unexpected path. One where I’d meet my wife. Via the internet. And travel the world. And emigrate. And break into song in supermarkets together.

But much of that part of the story has been documented. With video. And fluorescent swirls on my shirt. I look hawt.

My Pool (Part Four)

September 24, 2009 in Adultery, Faith, Family, Friends, Jenni, Life Experience, Marriage, Personal Entries with 32 Comments

After almost two years, the affair ended… as all do in one way or another. And there I was: alone with my thoughts.. I had been treading for almost 30 years in very murky, polluted waters.

All I ever wanted was to matter.

I wanted to be LOVED by someone…
I wanted to be GREAT at something…
I wanted to be REMEMBERED when I was gone…

And the truth was… I had MADE it. By the age of 30 I had attained everything I ever set out to acquire. So why did I feel like such a nobody?

My relationship with God was starting to pick up again. This was good except He wanted to heal me. The NERVE, right? He was starting to reveal root issues I had buried so deeply, I wasn’t even aware they existed. These were things I wasn’t ready to face.

My life was a swimming pool FULL of trash. God was helping me bring all of my rubbish to the surface, but it was up to me whether I wanted to use my net to fish it out. I knew if I were to grab the net, I would have to really look at the trash before I could destroy it once and for all. It was much easier to just push everything back down and just never swim in the pool.

On the outside, my life still looked fine. I accepted a new position at a local church plant in Portland as the Worship Pastor. Brian and I got pregnant and birthed another healthy little boy, Paxton. Chance started his first year of preschool. I was happy… but I should have been ecstatic about my life. My secrets were eating me alive. I was missing out on my OWN life and couldn’t recognize it.

You see… my pool wasn’t only for me. Brian, Chance, Paxton, our family, and all our friends were gathered around it… just waiting for me to give them the “ok” to jump in and play. And man, did they want to play… it’s always a hot day around here. But my pool was polluted and not safe for anyone to swim in.

It was time to clean my pool.

I told Brian about my affair, and the following 5 months were beyond painful. My pool had been stirred and now the waters looked murkier. I didn’t know if we were going to make it. By the looks of it, this mess was getting worse. This was NOT what I had signed up for.

As I was “fishing”, I began to get really angry. I noticed that though most of the trash was tossed in by ME, a LOT of it was from other people. However, I had a choice: to place blame and wait for “them” to come clean up their litter, or just take ownership and clean the parts that affected me. I was mourning some deep, deep issues for the first time. It hurt… but it was good..

While God was re-surfacing all my trash, and I was obediently fishing each and every item out one-by-one… my friends and loved ones had put a brand new filter in my pool. I didn’t know it at the time, but the friends and family we had told were intercessing on our behalf. They were helping me clean my pool without me even asking.

** Thank you, my dear friends. Even now, as I write this, I sit… tearfully and humbly thankful to each and every one of you. Thank you. **

My focus was tightly wrapped up in the rubbish I was taking out. I mourned each and every re-surfaced piece of trash I once treasured. I was permanently destroying the remnants of my garbage in a huge bonfire… when one day, Brian and I looked in and noticed the most amazing sight. Not only were the waters clean, but the once cluttered pool bottom was now cleared of ALL debris. And there stood Jesus, inviting us in with some floaty recliners and margaritas, complete with those cute little drink umbrellas made by underaged and underpaid third world children (you still there? just checkin’ to see if you’re still reading).

Friends… all of us have a pool. And if we don’t tend to it, it will become polluted and dirty, rendering it completely useless. I also want to reiterate that I didn’t do this alone. Christ was there, Brian was there, and friends were there.

This can’t happen overnight. It’s really grueling work that seems hopeless and never-ending at times. You don’t have to do it alone… but to get help, you need to be willing to show others how dirty your pool really is. I, for one, promise to help get you a filter for your pool if you tell me you need one.

I’m not saying my pool will be clean forever. Occasionally, trash will drift in and the water will get stagnant. I know Brian and I will need to drain the pool at times in our next 70+ years together and put fresh water in… but it sure is a lot easier to upkeep when we don’t let it build up.

What’s in your pool?
Isn’t it time to go swimming with all your loved ones?

I think so, friends… I think so.

————–

To read the whole series:
Part One: In My Daddy’s Lap
Part Two: Floater
Part Three: My Empire

In My Daddy’s Lap (Part One)

September 23, 2009 in Childhood, Jenni, Life Experience, Personal Entries with 10 Comments

My parents divorced when I was seven.

Wait… actually… I have no idea WHEN they divorced. The accurate statement would be… the announcement of the divorce happened when I was seven.

My childhood before seven was somewhat innocently happy. I remember Dad teaching me how to play “cat’s cradle“ and Mom bringing home the most amazing birthday cakes. But what’s interesting is, I don’t remember much of anything about my family life between the ages of seven and twelve. I have NO MEMORIES of home life in that 5 year life span.

Uh… therapy anyone? Yeah… don’t worry… I’m on that like a fat kid on a box of ding-dongs.

Let’s back up a bit: The day my mother told us they were divorcing, I remember feeling EXTREMELY confused.

I was old enough to know what “divorce” meant, but I never heard OR saw my parents fight. Heck… I barely remembered ever seeing them talk. I never thought the divorce was my fault, but I didn’t know WHY they needed a divorce since everything seemed “fine”. What confused me even more was why my Mom pulled us three girls into my bedroom to tell us ALONE when my Dad was sitting right in the living room watching football. ”Isn’t this something they should be doing together?” I kept asking myself.

It felt like an hour had passed in that room. I didn’t hear a thing that was said. I remember my sister, Renee, crying and my baby sister, Helen, crawling all over the place. That baby had no clue our world was about to drastically change. All I wanted to do was get OUT of that room and jump into my Dad’s lap.

Once the “meeting” was over… I did just that.

My sister, Renee, and I ran and jumped into my Dad’s lap. I remember Renee asking him,

“Why, Daddy?… WHY? Why are you leaving us?”

Then I heard the words I would never forget:

“Because this is what your Mom wants.”

Then, the unimaginable happened. My Dad broke down and cried…

I had NEVER seen my Dad cry. NEVER…

in the center of the couch of our family room…
with football television as a faint background noise…
we sat…
weeping…
in my father’s lap for the very last time.

Something inside me died that day.

At age seven, sitting there for the last time ever in my Daddy’s lap, I made my first lifetime decision: