We heard from Justin earlier today, but my favorite Davis is Trisha. 
Trish was one of the first three people I told about my affair. In the midst of it all, she never abandoned me… and kept reminding me that neither did God.
When she said she was praying for me… I knew SHE WAS PRAYING. She was constant with checking in and speaking grace over me. She was the EXACT friend I needed at that EXACT time.
In this post, Trish takes us back to that day she realized her life as she had known it was over. She even gives us a glimpse of her personal journal entry here. And the love and forgiveness that spills out in her re-living that moment makes me want to live a more faithful and trusting life with my Savior. I have such a long way to go… but I am so thankful for a friend like Trish who lovingly reminds me of Who’s REALLY in control.
Trish’s Blog: www.refineourmarriage.com
Trish’s Twitter: @trishadavis23
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October 9, 2005 the morning began with a beautiful sunrise. I had woken-up at 4:30AM knowing I had to be at church by 6:30AM for rehearsal. Two hours and a brand new outfit was surely what I needed to make myself beautiful. I thought to myself “If I make myself as beautiful as possible then I know he will choose me.”
Church began and I found myself on a stage singing words like “How great is our God.” It was all I could do to lead and not run off the stage in tears. Then Justin spoke. He was sick and losing his voice and I remember him speaking as if all was well. Then it was time for that last song. I’m not sure if I sang it with a heart of desperation or just complete numbness. It was a song by Joy Williams Called “Hide” here are the lyrics:
To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they’re not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don’t have to hide
You don’t have to hide anymore
You don’t have to face this on your own
You don’t have to hide anymoreSo come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who’s tryin’ to cover up their scars
To anyone who’s ever made a big mistake
We’ve all been there, so don’t be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You’ve been alone for way too longAnd if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
‘Cause He knows where you are, where you’ve been
His scars will heal you if you let Him
As soon as I was done I scooped-up my three boys then ages 2,6 & 9 and raced home. Exhausted from the morning I decided to take a nap in my bed with my little guy. An hour had past and I awoke to a frantic Justin yelling at me to get-up. I was a bit disoriented as he kept repeating, “I’m not in love with you, I’m not in love with you.” Then his next words would change my life forever… “I’m having an affair…with your best friend.”
Have you ever watched one of those 20/20’s about a person who should have seen all the signs and didn’t. You’re so frustrated that you’re yelling at the TV “why won’t you run?” That was me. All the signs were there and instead of confronting I tried to woo him back (from what I didn’t know). I just needed to try. It was like I knew it was happening but deep down I just had to be wrong! For my children… I had to be wrong… for my church family….
I. HAD. TO. BE. WRONG.
Within 24 hours I had lost my husband, my best friend, and my church family. I had to sit my children down and tell them “Daddy isn’t coming home.” I went upstairs to our room and packed every ounce of Justin’s clothing smelling and clinging to each piece before I packed it away. Within 24 hours I lost the life I had always known.
Two days later, I went to the only place I knew and this is what I prayed.
I’m being very vulnerable here. This is NOT FOR SHOCK factor. In fact, I just got this post to Jenni at the last minute because I just didn’t know if I could share it. But I couldn’t stop thinking about
YOU
YOU hurting, broken and shattered looking for hope!
YOU whose been reading our blog and want to package our story thinking God did this for us but he won’t for you.
YOU the “Cheater” who feels like there is no hope for healing and restoration because of how badly you’ve messed-up
Mark 10:27 (New Living Translation)
27 Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God.”
Today I pray you find hope that Jesus is as real as my story and commit to reading his word and daily giving your wounds to Him. I can’t promise that your marriage will be saved but I can promise that He will do the impossible in you… Heal.
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Trisha,
Thank you for being such a great friend to Jenni. I appreciate that for her so much.
Thank you for being so vulnerable in sharing your personal experiences here. You are inspiring, encouraging and such a great example of grace. Your willingness to submit fully to Jesus in your deepest pain is nothing short of amazing.
Keep allowing God to speak through you to help heal the hurting and guilt ridden people out there. We are many and we need your example.
Brian,
Who would of thought that one dinner and my husband pouring out our story before the waiter could even say “what would you like to drink” would forever change each of our lives? I know its been a long hard year but I am so proud how you guys continue to fight for your relationship with God and with each other! I love that God would take something so broken and turn it into so many beautiful things! We are honored to call you friends and pray for you often as you continue the healing process.
I want to heal…
My wife and I are separating. She is not willing to continue our marriage. Tomorrow is our 9 year anniversary, and we’re splitting up. There was a window of opportunity for me to get her back – but I missed it because of how broken I was in other areas of my life – I have felt over the past year and a couple months as though I have been in an emotional and spiritual trauma center. She wanted me to pursue … but I couldn’t – my heart was all pulled into pieces and I couldn’t think straight….
And now that I’m out of that – she’s done. I tried to show her that I have finally changed – but she’s no longer interested in pursuing it. She gets angry if people tell her about trying to change her mind; she’s adamant…
So I need to heal. God can restore anything – but at the same time he won’t MAKE someone do what they DON’T want to do. So….
“Courage is going on in spite of fear.”
Help me be courageous, Jesus….
I’m so sorry, Robert.
Sometimes, our bodies shut down and can no longer endure the pain of trying… but God is in the business of miracles. He is the only One who can make all things right. You just need to keep pursuing God first, and your wife second.
It’s not that you’ve “finally changed” as much as you’re CONTINUING to change. At least for Brian and me, it’s a continual change of lifestyle. I believe that with time, she’ll see it.
Praying!
Pursuit. That’s the hard part. I’m still in the emotional trauma center at times…and right now I’m numb. But I’m going to keep trying.
I had completely checked out of my marriage when Adam and I separated.
Totally, completely and adamantly. Like Jenny said, I was TIRED.
The many prayers of family, friends and Adam were heard by heaven.
We have been reconsiled HAPPILY now for 5 years.
Don’t give up. Even when, to our earthly eyes, all seems lost.
Even mine? Hard to not check out here. Ok It sounds that I want to work on it, and yet that I’m ready to check out. Sorta where I am – between minds.
The desire to work at this goes between having the strength to fight and wanting to just give up. Is that normal? I’ve been feeling so guilty about even having the idea to chuck it all in my head… like I’m a bad person or something.
Forgive me for using the blog comments to spew… but I don’t really have anyone else that I can speak to that understands… being inundated with counselors doesn’t seem to be helping me.
Will keep reading.
No worries. Keep posting comments! It’s safe here… And this is exactly what this week is about, Robert.
Very, very normal! You aren’t a bad person… separation is hurtful and tiring, on both sides. When you are the only one investing, it’s discouraging, and that is weariness to the soul… and in some respects it *would* be easier just to pack it all in and say “you know? I’m done. I’m out”
But go the distance, Robert. Finish the race.
Actually
Adam just walked in. Here he is
Hi Robert
In our case Jen had given me no chance whatsoever that we could reconsile and even members of her family were starting to say it’s over, move on.
I understand where you are as i was there too, i had got to the point of thinking it would be easier now to forget about reconciling, half my life was heading that way. The work of God in my life and my wife’s was huge and SUDDEN (A 1 hr screaming match on the phone turned into Adam come home, neither of us know how this happened, ALL God). The most important thing i can suggest is to keep praying and ensuring you a right with God, and then to be avaliable to your wife. Let her know how you feel if she doesn’t already, a letter or something non-confrontational may help if a face to face is not the best idea right now.
Just be ready, I so nearly missed that 2nd window. I was like you and hurting so much i missed the first chance, but really neither Jen and I were ready, God was doing some work in us.
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.
Bajanpoet,
You are not alone in your pain. There is something to be said about getting rid of our ideas of what restoration looks like for our individual situations. Instead of grasping for a specific outcome, it helps to just grab on to the fact that God sees things we don’t and cling to the trust that He doesn’t play favorites. He doesn’t just take care of the ‘victims’, He cradles the ‘villains’, too. You are so loved.
Thank you Serena… that means so much to hear right now… that I’m loved. I don’t FEEL loved… in fact I feel hated on by a LOT of people right now…. and I don’t have any confidence in myself or in God to be honest. But thank you soooooo much. I needed to read that.
Bajanpoet,
I pray you hear the words of so many that have responded to you. Redemption is not just for certain people… its for ANYONE who seeks Christ. If you could sit down with many of us who have written over the past couple of days you would hear a theme of HOPELESSNESS. I think we all have been where you are. Sin is so messy, hurtful and confusing. Satan seeks to keep you right there. But I think each of us would also tell you to NEVER give-up because GOD is bigger still and He CAN and WILL do the impossible! He has done the impossible in each of us!!! It doesn’t mean you will have a restored marriage but it does mean that if you continue to seek Him he can do the impossible in and through you. He will give you the strength to love in ways you never thought possible and give you eyes to discern between what is truth and lies. I know it is so hard… but don’t give-up. Lean into the Holy Spirit as to how to love your wife well. He will prompt you and help you in the next days, weeks and months to come. Know you have found a community of people who are petitioning for you and your family!
~ Trish
Thank you Trish. Thank u so much. I am so grateful for the opportunity to ‘offload’ here. Thank u all. Anyone who’s interested in wanting to pray or just check up can leave me a note on my blog and I’ll contact u personally, if that’s ok. I really am glad for this community… my family….
Trishy-pooh!!!
I believe you walked as Jesus here (as you often do). We all say we want to BE like Jesus till something THIS big hurts us. Then, all of a sudden, we say “well… we deserve to be loved the right way”.
YOUR decision here has made a lasting impact on both Brian and me. I believe it gave us guidance when we didn’t have any. And your story gave me the courage to finally come clean.
Thank you for all you’ve done… even though you have no concept of what that is. You are amazing! I’m so blessed to call you friend.
Oh my Chinese nugget…
Like I said to Brian who would have thought our lives would be forever changes in P.F. Changs!
I’m feeling a theme here! 
I am so thankful for you! This week I have been overwhelmed with emotions of the post that have been written. Each post speaking to a part of my heart that was once so broken and now healed. I’ve become so grateful for this community of people who have been on this journey and have each fought for their relationship with God. I’m thankful for the voice that each of you are becoming in the Christian community to say that although you don’t need to have a moral breakdown to have the marriage you desire God will still works through you even if you have! I know its been a long year but I am so proud of how you and Brian have fought for each other and for your relationship with God. I love you X 1000!
Trisha, what raw feelings you share that many are living now. Thank you for revisiting it all for the sake of another’s heart today. I appreciate you and Justin and look forward to the day we actually meet face to face.
Press on, my sweet sister.
In my marriage, I was the one who did the unthinkable. My husband was cold, distant, not affectionate, and disconnected. I tried everything I knew to “fix” things, and got nowhere. I was miserable, and he didn’t care, because he wasn’t miserable, he was “fine”, so he told me that this was my problem, not his.
I took him seriously, maybe I was the problem after all. I took a look at my life… 18 years of sexual abuse as a child, when I couldn’t get my father to leave me alone… and now years of marriage, when my own husband wanted nothing to do with me. I was the common denominator, so in my mind, it was obvious that there was something wrong with me.
All I had been taught, all I could see, was that “men hurt you, women don’t”, so I went in search of love outside my marriage, with another woman. It’s one thing to have an affair with someone of the opposite gender, but it’s another entirely to admit that you’ve had an affair with someone of your own gender. The shame and the sin just multiplies.
I have a feeling that gender identity issues are common with abused women, but it takes so much courage and strength to face the abuse and not be ashamed of it, there’s often little left for the “other stuff” that often accompanies it.
This woman lived far away, I saw her only twice. I came home with the few answers I had found, and vowed to piece my marriage back together with the confidence I had gained. I now knew I could be loved, somehow, someway, and I knew that I was capable of love… I finally knew a kind of love that felt good, and it gave me hope that the RIGHT kind of love WITHIN a marriage could feel even better. I told myself that no matter what, somewhere in this marriage was hope and I was determined to find it. This woman got me reading The Purpose Driven Life, and completely changed my life… for the better.
It’s been 8 years since, and in the past few years my marriage started growing and changing into something beautiful and healthier. We’ve been married almost 16 years. We still have a long way to go. My husband is not a believer, and since that time 8 years ago, I have completely laid my life down at the foot of the cross. He does not yet know about the affair, nor does he really understand or realize how much he has hurt me and continues to do so, but as God leads, I am prepared to tell him, help him understand, and ask for his forgiveness. I pray that he comes to the realizations that Brian did — both spouses have a responsibility in these issues. I have forgiven him, and I pray he forgives me as well.
i so appreciate your transparency and vulnerability, jd. thank you…
Thank you, Alece — transparency and vulnerability is increasingly easier when surrounded by others who are also finding freedom in it. I know I am not alone.
You’re welcome — I pray it helps someone know they’re not alone.
i’m glad you shared that here, JD.
Oh JD… I have missed you so.
Thankyou for baring your heart and deep pain. You humble me. I pray that God carries you in such a way you can’t help but feel his hands about you.
Sweet Jen — I have missed you greatly as well… Miss those Bloom nights!
He is carrying me — in every way… your prayers are being answered
Thank you, my friend!
JD,
I’m grateful that you have found a community that you feel the freedom to be vulnerable and honest with where you have been and where you are trying to go. Its so frustrating that we often times make choices through our own brokenness that we never intended to have. What child realizes that sexual, physical or even emotional abuse would have such painful repercussions as an adult. I am proud of you taking the first step… confession! There is such freedom found in confession! The more we confess the less Satan has a grip on our heart and mind to keep us in bondage that if we tell we will be destroyed. But we find that when we confess there is no more bondage. Yes the consequence are great and painful but unlike bondage even through the consequences healing can begin! We are all praying for you in the next steps you are choosing to take. I pray the Holy Spirit will speak clearly to your heart and that you would trust His voice to guide you and comfort you. Thank you again for your vulnerability!
thank you for being so vulnerable here, trish — sharing that page from your journal… that deep, raw prayer of your heart. you are so beautiful, my friend. i am in awe of the faith you expressed just days after your life fell apart. i wish i had responded with even a fraction of your trust. i wish i could now even.
what you said about hoping he’d choose you… that resonates so deeply in me. i don’t know if you’re a grey’s anatomy fan, but there’s a classic scene where meredith pleads to her man — “pick me… choose me… love me…” and that is what my heart (and often my mouth) said over and over and over again throughout that whole season. i kept thinking that there must be something—anything—i can do to make him choose me. i know with you the deep pain of even needing to think those things.
thank you for living with such faith and grace, my friend. i’m grateful to have you in my life.
YOU whose been reading our blog and want to package our story thinking God did this for us but he won’t for you.
Oh gosh, this speaks to my heart right now. I have had such a hard time these last few months focusing on what HAS NOT been healed instead of what has.
Thank you for the glimpse into your journal~ where one of your last comments was asking God to bring good out of the pain, to show His glory, and to give you the strength to do so as well.
What a beautiful picture of trust that we would all do well to abide in, including me right now.
Blessings,
Lindsey
“Please help me to know when he is lying & when he is deceiving.”
This prayer. This reliance on God instead of on snooping, sneaking and wondering. This is so important. Thank you for your vulnerability here and for the example you two are to so many.
trish,
i have about 30 journal entries that match yours identically. . .my handwriting is even similar and i had to keep reminding myself those were your words not mine. thank you so much for sharing. i have tears streaming down my face recognizing that you felt the same way i do right this minute back in 2005. . .and the Lord has restored, healed, and done a serious miracle for you and justin. thank you so much for sharing. . .you can never imagine how much i needed this today. . .i am pretty sure there are many days in the future i will reread this as a reminder that the Lord will heal my broken/shattered/destroyed heart.
LS
well match identically with different names
wow -I had not ever heard your side of the story before Trisha – thank you for sharing this with such vulnerability and honesty… for sharing your journaling…. I know how hard that is to share … it is like sharing your heart.
Thank you.
Trisha, you have been rockin your story in raw form a lot these past couple weeks. That can be hard on the heart. I am praying for your tenderness in telling each side over and over again. No small thing. I am so thankful for your willingness to give your story in hopes of helping someone else. I respect your sacrifice you make all the time. I am in awe of the cost you chose to swallow, and the pain you chose to sit in and not ignore or even cover over. You are so encouraging and seriously courageous!
I am so blessed that you were even thinking of your precious boys in those moments. And that you were praying that God would give you words for them to understand. Not only do your actions inspire me to be more graceful, but I am determined to step up my game as a Momma to my men.
trisha davis…. have i told you how proud i am of you lately???
YOU, Trisha Davis, are one of the most beautiful, humble, spirited, amazing people I have ever met. Every time I see you, talk to you, read your words, I am reminded of that. You and Justin’s story is one of the greatest examples of grace and mercy that I’m sure I will ever encounter. Thanks to both you and Justin for being willing to use the pain in your past to give hope to the future of so many who are hurting right now. I am blessed and thankful to call you and your family friends. I love you to the bottom of my heart!!
YOU hurting, broken and shattered looking for hope!
YOU whose been reading our blog and want to package our story thinking God did this for us but he won’t for you.
YOU the “Cheater” who feels like there is no hope for healing and restoration because of how badly you’ve messed-up
YOU = ME
I am a very lost 26 year old, wife, and Mommy of 3.
In my marriage, I am the one who is doing the unthinkable. My husband is cold, distant, not affectionate, and disconnected. I try everything I know to “fix” things, and get nowhere. I am miserable, and he dose not care, because he is not miserable, he is “fine”, so he says to me what you do will be on your conscience not mine. I have all but confessed to him. Its like he would just rather not know. I have even read him this blog with tears running down my face. I feel like he just does not care I have felt this way for all 8 year of our marriage. So I guess I have started not to care as well, But the truth is I do care. If I did not I would not be here reading this blog and crying every night looking for help and answers. I do know that I don’t ever want to be divorced, but I don’t know if I am ready to stop what I am doing…I know that sounds crazy.
The even more twisted part is that I know this other married man does not love or care about me. For him it is all about the physical, but for some reason it does not seem to matter…
He temporarily heals my pain.
I have been a christian for over 10 years now but have yet to really give control of my life to Jesus.
But I have never felt this far form God.
I have not even gone to my church that I love for most of the summer.
I know what I am doing is so selfish and against every part of who I am. This could destroy my hole life and I don’t want to stop…and I don’t know why???
PLEASE PRAY FOR ME
THANK YOU ALL FOR SHARING YOUR STORIES FOR HIS GLORY
YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHO YOU HELPING!
kelly. . .i will be praying for you today. . .i haven’t dealt with a specific affair ((my fiance cheated on me with pornography and then ran from me and God)) but i think the way you stop is you fall on your face before the Lord and ask Him for healing. you confess to your husband and you get in Christian counseling. you should check out http://www.refineourmarriage.com. . .this is trish and justin’s ministry. . .i am praying for you!!!
Kelly, I care about you. I have read all your words. And I am praying for you and your husband. Lastly, I am so glad you shared. Keep seeking peace.
kelly…
we are praying for you. heck… we’re hoping to give you resources this week for where you are EXACTLY in your journey right now.
trust me. i KNOW what you are feeling. i’ve felt it too. your words are all too familiar. you are not evil. your sin is not unforgivable. you are hurt, confused and lost… like so many of us. but the price for your sin has already been paid… and there’s nothing you can do about it but accept it and STOP continuing that sin.
i know. easier said than done… but it’s doable. i promise.
thank you for sharing your story here. i hope you know you are NOT alone and it CAN get better if you choose to walk that hard road. we’re here to walk it with you.
I love you even more girl! Who’d have ever thought your pain would bring so much comfort. Thankful for your friendship and influence!
I just forgot to add the “a” on my name above!!!
That’s why you love me right?!
Absolutely amazing.
Trisha, thank you for sharing your pain with the world. I hope you guys realize what an impact you are making.
I appreciate you so much.