Trish was one of the first three people I told about my affair. In the midst of it all, she never abandoned me… and kept reminding me that neither did God.
When she said she was praying for me… I knew SHE WAS PRAYING. She was constant with checking in and speaking grace over me. She was the EXACT friend I needed at that EXACT time.
In this post, Trish takes us back to that day she realized her life as she had known it was over. She even gives us a glimpse of her personal journal entry here. And the love and forgiveness that spills out in her re-living that moment makes me want to live a more faithful and trusting life with my Savior. I have such a long way to go… but I am so thankful for a friend like Trish who lovingly reminds me of Who’s REALLY in control.
October 9, 2005 the morning began with a beautiful sunrise. I had woken-up at 4:30AM knowing I had to be at church by 6:30AM for rehearsal. Two hours and a brand new outfit was surely what I needed to make myself beautiful. I thought to myself “If I make myself as beautiful as possible then I know he will choose me.”
Church began and I found myself on a stage singing words like “How great is our God.” It was all I could do to lead and not run off the stage in tears. Then Justin spoke. He was sick and losing his voice and I remember him speaking as if all was well. Then it was time for that last song. I’m not sure if I sang it with a heart of desperation or just complete numbness. It was a song by Joy Williams Called “Hide” here are the lyrics:
To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they’re not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don’t have to hide
You don’t have to hide anymore
You don’t have to face this on your own
You don’t have to hide anymore
So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who’s tryin’ to cover up their scars
To anyone who’s ever made a big mistake
We’ve all been there, so don’t be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You’ve been alone for way too long
And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
‘Cause He knows where you are, where you’ve been
His scars will heal you if you let Him
As soon as I was done I scooped-up my three boys then ages 2,6 & 9 and raced home. Exhausted from the morning I decided to take a nap in my bed with my little guy. An hour had past and I awoke to a frantic Justin yelling at me to get-up. I was a bit disoriented as he kept repeating, “I’m not in love with you, I’m not in love with you.” Then his next words would change my life forever… “I’m having an affair…with your best friend.”
Have you ever watched one of those 20/20’s about a person who should have seen all the signs and didn’t. You’re so frustrated that you’re yelling at the TV “why won’t you run?” That was me. All the signs were there and instead of confronting I tried to woo him back (from what I didn’t know). I just needed to try. It was like I knew it was happening but deep down I just had to be wrong! For my children… I had to be wrong… for my church family….
I. HAD. TO. BE. WRONG.
Within 24 hours I had lost my husband, my best friend, and my church family. I had to sit my children down and tell them “Daddy isn’t coming home.” I went upstairs to our room and packed every ounce of Justin’s clothing smelling and clinging to each piece before I packed it away. Within 24 hours I lost the life I had always known.
Two days later, I went to the only place I knew and this is what I prayed.
I’m being very vulnerable here. This is NOT FOR SHOCK factor. In fact, I just got this post to Jenni at the last minute because I just didn’t know if I could share it. But I couldn’t stop thinking about
YOU hurting, broken and shattered looking for hope!
YOU whose been reading our blog and want to package our story thinking God did this for us but he won’t for you.
YOU the “Cheater” who feels like there is no hope for healing and restoration because of how badly you’ve messed-up
Mark 10:27 (New Living Translation)
27 Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God.”
Today I pray you find hope that Jesus is as real as my story and commit to reading his word and daily giving your wounds to Him. I can’t promise that your marriage will be saved but I can promise that He will do the impossible in you… Heal.