As a small child, I remember my WORDS were my source of survival.
It didn’t matter if I told the truth or not… if my mother came home in a bad mood, and the surroundings weren’t exactly to her liking, you’d have to brace yourself. Most of the time, we braced ourselves emotionally… because my mother’s WORDS were her ammunition of choice, shooting at us fast and for long periods of time (I think my longest “lecture” of being told I was a waste of space lasted 5 hours on a Saturday). But if we weren’t careful with the WORDS we exchanged with her, we would also have to brace ourselves physically.
By the age of 10, I had not only learned to angle my body “just right” to protect more and hurt less from a “spanking”… but I had also carefully crafted my speech (and sometimes lack of) to manipulate situations with my mother so that I could avoid being shot at with her WORDS. And when I was “shot at”, I learned to angle my heart “just right” so I could protect more and hurt less.
When you grow up this way, you learn one of two things:
1. WORDS mean EVERYTHING and you live life CARING too much what people say.
… or …
2. WORDS mean NOTHING and you live life not BELIEVING what people say.
I am the second.
My LifeGroup Online is reading through the Bible right now and something that really struck me is how much WORDS meant in Old Testament time. Your WORD was your WORD. There was no need for a signed contract or need to doubt that someone might be lying because if they spoke it… it WAS. Their WORDS were blessings or they were curses. But what they said was final.
In Bible times, nations rose through the blessings of a father. I can no longer guard my heart from WORDS that curse… because in doing so, I’m causing more damage. By not allowing WORDS to bless me, I’m stunting my potential growth. I also cannot continue to allow my WORDS to be protective shield. By not allowing my WORDS to bless others, I’m prohibiting God from using me as He created me.
My WORDS are no longer my source of survival. They’re much more than that… I need to be intentional about my WORDS to my husband, to my children, to my family and to my friends.
My WORDS must bless… not curse.
My WORDS must encourage… not tear down.
My WORDS must instill truth… not stir-up lies.
Wow…this is fantastic food for thought. Thanks, Jenni.
thanks, jason. every time i write something like this, my heart hurts… but i know it’s good. not only for me… but mostly. i’ve got a long way to go.
Wow…this post rings so very true in my life. I actually think I am a combination of the two where I really care what people say to me/about me, etc. but I also am quick to believe that what they just said isn’t true. As if they were forced to say it. It is very difficult for me to accept praise. Being the oldest, I had to learn very quickly how to adapt based on the mood of either parent. I was always trying to calm the situation. I often see how my words hurt others because for some reason that is how I respond. Even though, as a follower of Jesus, I know that I need to repond differently. Thank you for your insight as it has helped me to see new things about the Bible. The Lord is refining me daily in this area. Thank you again.
jennifer… i’m probably a small mix of the two as well, though it really depends on the situation. unfortunately, i’ve been a very HARD person most my life. it hasn’t served me well.
i’m the oldest too… and adapting was what we just DID as kids.
now, it’s time for us to adapt… in a different way.
praying with you!
Very good reminder of just how important words are in all relationships…I’ll be mentally chewing on this one a while! Words were a weapon in my home growing up as well. I tend to too quickly take to heart negative words and not believe the positive ones. As a parent it’s been challenging at times to remember how words can affect my kids. I’m still a work in progress…
Thanks for the insight!
i think i’ll be working on this for the rest of my life too, friend.
the worst is when someone says, “Hey… I need to talk to you!” i ALWAYS assume it’s because i did something wrong. it rarely is.
i grew up similarly, and still have to defend myself against my mother’s hurtful words. it’s a tiring way to live. and it makes it hard to not always be looking for the unspoken between-the-lines in everything people tell me.
but i need to start considering how it’s affected my OWN words as well…
it IS tiring. i hear ya, sister!!! i’m often also looking for the unspoken between-the-lines too. maybe that’s why i lay it all out there now. i want to save everyone else from all the guessing.
i hate the guessing game. and the walking-on-eggshell feeling. i’d much rather know where i stand. so thank you for laying it all out there.
Amen. I was in my mid 30′s before I stood my ground. Told her the eggshell walking was crap. Now? I just don’t know. I am tired. Letting her occupy too much room in my head is draining, so I try to remember the happy times. It’s hard to do that sometimes, too. But, I know I am not her judge. I pray sometimes that she gets grounded!
I am definitely the second one where I tend not to believe what others say to me. I recently very vulnerably repented to our staff and my co-workers for not being more open with them simply because I did not trust that they would take care of me and my heart. They are so good to tell me that they love me but I honestly don’t believe them most of the time. It is an extremely exhausting way to live. The ironic thing is that I love encouraging others with my words and I am learning that my words can actually be quite healing. Now if only I can learn that about others words maybe I can stop living believing most people don’t mean what they say especially when they say they care (again its an awful way to live). Thanks as always for being so open and honest.
i always love your input, makeda! thanks for sharing your heart here!!!
Amazing how words are so powerful.
I hate hearing that, I don’t know your mom nor do I know her heart, but I want to believe that she did not know the power of her words.
I myself fall into this trap. Often times I use my words to joke, most of the time these words are hurtful words, in joking tone, that brings down someone else. Now I do not mean it to be hurtful, not at all. Actually when I say the words I really am saying, “hey I noticed you, I am paying attention to you, I find you interesting, this is my way of showing you that I am interested.” How weird is that? I use my words, to make fun of others in a sarcastic way that I in turn in my mind am telling myself that I am showing them attention by poking fun with them (or is it at them).
I remember reading Sex God by Robert Bell and him talking about a friend that was out in public with a bunch of married couples and the whole time the guy just made fun of his wife. Rob said every time he said something you could see the wife just die a little more inside. He said that at the moment it might get a quick laugh, but in the end it only tears down.
This is where my words are the heaviest. My loved ones and friends suffer from my hurtful words.
Amazing how powerful they are….
sorry to hear that you were hurt by words.
Glad you are using your words to redeem not tear down.
i LOVE your comment, kyle.
i DO exactly what you’re talking about. i fight, love, play, exist in sarcasm. part of me thinks i’m funny… and the other part is still figuring out how to be REAL.
it’s taken time… but i really try not to be sarcastic towards people who i don’t know well or aren’t sarcastic. i know it hurts them… i know because I’VE hurt them.
we can’t control what words other people say to us… but we CAN control our own tongues.
Hiding behind hurtful words is so easy. That barrier goes up & no one gets in! And I don’t get out. Not a good place to be. Thankfully we have a forgiving God. And hopeful some of that “rubs” off on me.
you and i may have had the same childhood. wow, astoundingly similar.
which means as a young adult i found out fast how dysfunctional my thinking and choice of words and actions were. so much to learn.
whats sad is…that kind of blatant abuse (i mean, lets call it what it is) is not thought of as possibly having lasting effects on the child. its disheartening.
i like your words. especially when they get colorful while talking to brent.
youve come a long way baby!
this is probably why we’re friends.
i love your wise words and the grace you’ve shown in all circumstances. when i see you with your kids, it gives me hope that i too can break the generational sin of abusive words.
thanks for noticing my colorful words. i like using them on brent too
what.
huh?
I love that! “Dysfunctional thinking”. Wow. That’s me. This whole post is me. Growing up. Now. I thank God every day for this new life! For the new friends I’ve never met. I thank God I can be open-minded enough to learn from these friends I’ve never met! So grateful. We can rise above those hurtful WORDS. We are NOT those WORDS. We have new WORDS. Encouraging. Worthy. Beautiful. Compassionate.
Jenni, I am loving getting to know you. The real you. The transparent you. The you that hurts. The you that teaches. You called me out on WORDS recently and I was reminded that I went too far. But, I am always learning. The addict me would have just said “screw you”. The addict in recovery me asked for forgiveness. And you gave it. I cannot be on this journey alone. I need the village. Even at 52.
For so long I, like Alece, wasted energy on a mother who, at 80, still uses WORDS in a mean & spiteful & vengeful way. I got too tired of it & had to step back. Now that I’ve moved 1700 miles further away, I don’t know that I’ll ever even see my parents again. That’s the reality. So much to say & only deaf ears to hear my WORDS. They have never reached my parents. I do love them; always have. Even when WORDS made me feel unloved. Unworthy. Unimportant. A waste of adoption. Not blood. Unlikable husband. Still. She just never tires of WORDS.
OK. Enough tears & memories for today.
YOU, Shellie, are a brave woman.
it takes a lot to live the life you are living… and that’s the thing. you are CHOOSING to live and to change.
tears are good. tears heal and change you for good of you allow them to.
we recently had to give my mother boundaries as well. as much as i love her, she’s not a safe place for me. if she’s not safe to my heart as my marriage is renewing, she’s not safe to our family OR our children. brian protected me for the first time ever against her… and the last six months have been the most healing months of my entire life.
space is good. sometimes you just gotta let the wound sit and heal.
Shellie, you are loved. more than you’ll ever know.
It is amazing to me how this is still a struggle in my relationship with my mom and with others …
Celebrating my 25th birthday in 2003, my mom, my sister and I were out.
A comment out of her mouth (she had dropped about 100 pounds on the Atkins diet, by the way) while we were out to eat was, ‘Wow, I never thought I’d be so much skinnier than my two daughters.’
Ouch.
Or more recently while discussing my current salary in a job that I love:
‘I still say school was a waste of time.’
Ouch. Again.
My mom used to smack me when I was a kid, spank me with a brush, or at least until I grew three inches taller than her and she feared I would defend myself.
I remember the arguments we would have where she would criticize me for not doing the dishes right or waiting too long to take out the trash … and then as an adult saying the exact same things to my husband.
I spent my teen years and my whole adult life trying not to become my mom and I did anyway to some extent.
During the past year I’ve been trying to look at why I say the words I say to my husband, to my family, to my friends and see where it’s coming from because it’s not fair to take out that hurt on others instead of deal with it head on, right?
I would say that of your two statements I do a lot of both … lots of taking things too personally and lots of distrust.
These are big things I think about now that I have Lyla in my life … how will I use words in a way that won’t sting or cause her to be too sensitive and/or too distrustful of others.
the first step, kris, is to acknowledge what you just did. second step… do something about it.
for me, it meant getting counseling and finding safe places to be real. i have friends that are not afraid to call me on my wrongs and quickly forgive me when i do.
life is a journey. and we have a choice what footsteps we WANT to follow from our parents.
I was not good at owning up to my actions for a long time, at least in respect to my marriage, nor good at doing something positive about it.
I admire you for going to counseling … from my perspective it’s a scary proposition.
You are so right about life being a journey … I have a ring I wear to remind me of that, it says “it’s not the destination, it’s the journey.”
And before I forget to mention it, this is yet another fantastic blog post. Thank you!
Our childhoods were so completely different it’s amazing we understand each other at all
Thanks for helping me re-discover my inner sarcast. He’d been lying dormant due to immersion in a sea of cultural misunderstanding, but he’ll be needed in great abundance if I’m going to survive my nation transplant.
I love your words.
and i love your words. even “nohr”. especially “nohr”
Every time you say “nohr” Diane thinks you’re referring to her, and I have to remind her that’s MY bit of lingual ribbing.
So how long do you think it will take me to talk like the dude in this without thinking about it?
http://www.bl.uk/learning/langlit/sounds/text-only/ni/belfast/
Jenni
Justin just spoke at Cross Point this weekend about healthy families. He told the story of our first fight in which I told him I HATED him. He was crushed and I just thought “seriously dude its not like I dropped the F bomb or anything!” “I hate you was mild from what I was use to” This was ONE thing we actually did right in the early years of our marriage. We totally changed the way we spoke to each other BUT it took years to not want to say those bad words I was thinking in my head!
Great post!
Trish
MILD… exactly.
i think my mom told me she hated me every other day. i’m not even sure i know what “hate” really means since it was used more often than the word “hello” in our family.
re-learning SO much!
I remember in college, when talking with an advisor about what I really wanted to do with my life, I realized I was having trouble settling on a career choice because what I wanted to do had nothing to do with a job. I looked at him and said, “I honestly would be happy if I could just be there for people when they needed me. I think I was meant to be the person who was there for people in the background so they could be encouraged in their lives.”
I couldn’t find a job that allowed me to just be the support person in other people’s worlds. And then I got sick. And now I have nothing but time on my hands to be here when people need me. And that part of this disease I’m grateful for. Because when I read this, or hear from Alece or Tam about their childhoods, I want to find that little girl in all of you and speak the words you needed to hear. I want to be nothing more in my life than the safe place people need. I want my words to always be honest, but always be life-giving. Because doing that for others is where I feel safe in myself.
i love you, gitz. you are AMAZING in so many ways. your friendship means SO much to me. you have no idea!
Jenni, I think it’s interesting that just before you posted this, I had been thinking about you and how you are always very loving, supportive and encouraging with your words. I know you are blunt when it comes to what really needs to be said (a great quality IMO), but you also give out frequent and large doses of love! It’s not something I’m good at myself, but knowing how much your words have impacted me, it’s encouraged me to work harder at it!
i’m a work in progress… but i’m still struggling. i don’t always say the nicest things and don’t always put the best interest of others first. i’m better than i used to be… but still got a long way to go.
Wow, Jenni-this is a great post. I cannot imagine what you went through as a child and despise that any child does not have the chance to experience unconditional love from parents. I am glad you are finding healing and true love from our Father.
I have discovered in the past couple of years how vitally important words are, and have really tried to be intentional about everything I say-often changing what I will write or say because of that. I don’t always succeed at this endeavor, but try my best to be consistent! I don’t know if it has changed anyone else or if anyone even notices, but it has definitely changed my view for the better. It is a really important lesson.
Blessings, friend~
Jenni –
I know you wrote this post almost a whole month ago, but since I am just getting around to backtracking on your blog, I am just reading it.
I, too, come from a long line of family members who used to words (and physical stuff) to hurt others, and I am trying very hard to break that cycle with my child. It helps to have a strong faith in God that the abuse stops with me. I try to choose my words carefully, but sometimes things just spew from my tongue without thinking, and then I have to try and “fix” it. Once you say something, sometimes it can’t be “fixed” no matter what you say or do. I am struggling with that. Thanks so much for posting this. I look forward to reading more of your blog.